New Year's Resolutions New Year's Resolutions noncompliance rate

New Year’s Resolutions by Medical Specialty

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New Year's Resolutions
“Finally, this is the year I give up the eye exam”

Amazingly 2017 flew by in just over 360 days and now we find ourselves in 2018.  Most of our energy will be focused on recovering from our hangovers, but some of it should be devoted to pushing ourselves and our specialties in 2018.  If you and your specialty haven’t picked any New Year’s resolutions, then borrow one of ours; we guarantee you’ll love them!

Anesthesiology: Go a whole year not intubating a patient’s rectum.

Cardiology: Catheterize another end organ, like the mesentery, for once.

Cardiothoracic Surgery: See what happens sewing a sternum back together with yarn.

Critical Care: Give up ABGs for 2018.

Dermatology: Put sunscreen on clothing.

Endocrinology: Palpate a thymus.

Emergency Medicine: Admit one patient to the right service.

ENT: Realize there are other parts of the head too.

Family Medicine: Avoid divorcing into Maternal Medicine & Paternal Medicine.

Gastroenterology: Perform simultaneous EGD and colonoscopy on patient.

General Surgery: Branch out and call new consultants.

Genetics: Create a Punnett cube.

Hematology & Oncology: Cure cancer already.

Hospital Medicine: Place patients on the weekends.

Infectious Diseases: Stop being so dependent on antibiotics, handwashing.

Information Technology: Make no untimely upgrades in 2018.

Internal Medicine: Spend more time with people that matter: hospital administrators.

Nephrology: Eliminate acid-base once and for all.

Neurology: Finally understand the brachial plexus.

Neurosurgery: Store skull piece in a patient’s butt for once.

Nursing: Rig a Pyxis and have it spit out cash instead.

Nutrition: Recommend more Big Macs.

OB/GYN: Work on our resting bitch faces.

Occupational Therapy: Help find an unemployed patient a job.

Ophthalmology: Examine the eye of a cyclops.

Orthopedic Surgery: Give up Ancef.

Palliative Care: Think of a great DNR joke to tell patients, families.

Pathology: Create a burning section.

Pediatrics: Stop using the word “kiddos.”  Seriously.

Physical Medicine & Rehab: Figure out a way to incorporate nunchakus, Brazilian jiujitsu into the treatment paradigm.

Physical Therapy: Make patients climb ropes, master pummel horse.

Plastic Surgery: Make patients look like “before” pictures.

Podiatry: Tickle more feet.

Primary Care: Replace exam table paper with sandpaper and see what happens.

Psychiatry: Go to zoo and pet a bipolar bear.

Radiology: Figure out how to get vitamin D without dying.

Respiratory Therapy: Teach patients to bag themselves during code.

Rheumatology: See a patient without checking an ANA.

Trauma Surgery: Put a patient back together like a Picasso.

Urology: Play with more genitals.

Vascular Surgery: Change things up and amputate a torso.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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