BOCA RATON, FLORIDA — Hospital administrators across the country are recognizing the heroic efforts of Chlöe Less, Assistant Director of Quality Control at Madre De Díos Hospital, due to her completion of core measures as a patient was receiving CPR. Witnesses report that the star hospital administrator sprung into action when the overhead page “CODE BLUE: ROOM 268!” was announced on the hospital speakers.
“I didn’t even know that hospital administrators could sprint that fast,” exclaimed staff hospitalist Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. “I was already running to code and she blew right by me like Usain Bolt. I mean, she was even faster than a radiologist running away from a coding patient. I thought she was rushing to get the crash cart, but instead she grabbed a clipboard with a checklist and charged into the patient’s room.”
“I was trying to coordinate chest compressions and IV pushes of epinephrine,” continued Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. “But she elbowed me out of the way and insisted that we instead administer a flu shot and a pneumovax injection.”
“I couldn’t stand the possibility of this patient ‘falling out’ and the hospital getting ‘dinged’ for failure to complete core measures,” said the tearful Chlöe Less. “That’s why I took command of the patient’s care from that incompetent doctor. I knew I could make the biggest difference in assuring that insignificant hospital criteria are met successfully…before it became…too late” as her voice trailed off.
Besides administration of vaccines to the pulseless patient, the intrepid hospital administrator’s act of bravery also included:
- checking a lactic acid level, because, you know, like, that’s just what you’re supposed to do.
- reading smoking cessation education material out loud to counsel the unresponsive patient on the dangers of tobacco use.
- offering the patient an intravenous Dilaudid push followed by a pain scale assessment, which was then marked “0 out of 10” since the physiologically-dead human did not report any discomfort.
“I mean, what can I say? She’s Chlöe Less. It’s what she does. She’s the true hero in this tragic case,” declared the delighted Hospital CEO Chaz Moneybags. “I know the patient died, and that’s unfortunate. But at least we completed our core measures. That’s the most important thing.”