bacon-eluting stent

Cardiologists Now Deploying Bacon-Eluting Stents

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bacon-eluting stent
“No aspirin or Plavix needed for this stent, it would defeat the purpose”

NASHVILLE, TN – Unfazed by the obesity epidemic and the glorious number of unhealthy choices at their disposal, Americans are always looking for innovative, quicker ways to achieve heart disease.  Thanks to advancements in the field of interventional cardiology, patients can now start receiving bacon-eluting stents (BES).

“These bacon-eluting stents are remarkable,” said Tennessee-based cardiologist Ralph Burkes, who loves the sweet and salty smell of sliced pork belly cooking in a calcified blood vessel.  “Once placed into a diseased coronary artery, the stent will slowly release an uncontrolled amount of fat and grease, thereby encouraging fibrosis and clot formation.  It’s genius.”

According to the Food and Drug Administration, two bacon-eluting stents have been approved for the indication of hastened coronary artery disease (HCAD): Benton’s bacon-eluting stent (BBES) and Nueske’s bacon-eluting stent (NBES).  This should calm any naysayers who worry about the quality of the bacon in these first-generation stents.

“The advancements in interventional bacon have paralleled that of interventional cardiology,” explained American College of Cardiology spokesperson Amanda Fitzgerald, who momentarily began clutching at her chest with some discomfort.  “Thanks to balloon angioplasty we have bacon angioplasty, where we shove a strip of bacon into a coronary.  And now thanks to drug-eluting stents we have bacon-eluting stents, to ensure that vessels stenose and restenose.”

Cardiology tends to be the trendsetter in medicine, but it has lagged behind when it comes to bacon technology.  Bacon-laced gastric lavage tubes hit the market in 2014, and BaconSpeak voice recognition software appeared in 2015.  That being said, cardiologists and developers wanted to make sure they got these stents right.

And they have.  Without a doubt, bacon-eluting stents will bring smiles to Americans and tombstones to their ECGs.

“The other great consequence of these stents is that it can help stem the wave of bacon withdrawal crippling our nation,” said Fitzgerald, who feels better after taking an aspirin and some nitroglycerin.  “Man, I have to apologize, I’m drooling just talking about these stents!”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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