THE INTERNET United Airlines has come under fire after video surfaced of a doctor being dragged off a plane due to the airline overbooking a flight.  Gomerblog did some digging, and it turns out overbooking a flight isn’t even in the top 10 reasons why United drags doctors off planes.  We painstakingly searched through 8 billion United flight records to look for every instance of a doctor being beaten and dragged from an airplane.

The results may shock you.

United-Airlines10. Doctor has unfinished clinic notes

United excuse: United airlines cannot tolerate any passenger, physician or not, who is noncompliant with charting. The doctor in question was re-accommodated to a workplace terminal with access to Epic.

9. Poor satisfaction scores from other passengers

United excuse: In the event that we have a doctor on board, all passengers are asked to fill out a satisfaction survey based only on the doctor’s name and brand of luggage he/she is carrying.  If survey results are not favorable, we have grounds for forcible removal.

8. Doctor is an ophthalmologist and there’s a more legitimate doctor on the standby list

United excuse: This is just common sense.

7. Boarded plane wearing scrubs and a stethoscope

United excuse: We require all our passengers to wear more professional clothing, like leggings.

6. Sits in emergency row but refuses to help in case of emergency because of work-hour restrictions

United excuse: We are working closely with ACGME to enact joint air travel-work hour restrictions.  If you have worked more than 80 hours in one week, you are not considered safe to sit quietly in a chair while somebody else flies you through the air.

5. Caught smuggling Dilaudid in rectum.

United excuse: Just take the drugs through your mouth like a normal airline passenger.

4. Rectal exams are stacking up in security and TSA desperately needs assistance

United excuse: Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) regulations require doctors to help TSA perform screening rectal examinations in extraordinary circumstances, which means every day.

3. Somebody lost an arm on a moving walkway in terminal C

United excuse: We didn’t think it was possible.  Sorry, we need you to reattach an arm before you travel to Phoenix.

2. Carried on too much luggage and caused a fatal overhead compartment syndrome

United excuse: If you were a better doctor, this wouldn’t have happened.  Now the plane needs a decompressive fasciotomy.

1. Doctor volunteered to be forcibly dragged off plane instead of returning to job of being a doctor

United excuse: We don’t understand why you still wanted to be forcibly removed, but we’re happy to oblige!

Dr. Glaucomflecken
Following a successful career as a doctor impersonator, Dr. Glaucomflecken decided to attend a real, accredited medical school and residency program. Now he spends his time treating eyeballs, occasionally forgetting that they belong to an actual human body. Dr. Glaucomflecken specializes in knowing where to look when talking to somebody with a lazy eye. He started writing for GomerBlog after being told to “publish or perish.” Follow me on Twitter @DGlaucomflecken