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CHICAGO, IL – After two days of unsatisfying answers from United Airlines regarding the violent extrication of a passenger from its Chicago-to-Louisville flight, CEO Oscar Munoz has said in a new message to his employees, “It’s never too late to do the right thing: let’s blame Anesthesia.  United Airlines blames Anesthesia.”

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“Don’t blame us, blame you-know-who”

“Why did we overbook the flight?” Munoz asked, repeating a question asked by Gomerblog.  “Well, let me answer your question with another question: Why does Anesthesia always f**k things up?”  Munoz makes a valid point and finally provided the explanation we were all craving.  Better late than never.

United Airlines and the U.S. Department of Transportation (DOT) provided us with a detailed breakdown of the incident, loosely based on the universally-recognized “Blame Anesthesia” algorithm:

  • overbooking of the flight is “totally on Anesthesia” and could have been avoided if they weren’t doing Sudoku all day
  • the lack of a puppet show to distract other passengers from the violence was a glaring missed opportunity on Anesthesia’s part
  • treating the passenger like a piñata is “with 100% certainty due to a volatile anesthetic” that is “administered by, guess who, Anesthesia”
  • the lingering effects of anesthesia explains why United Airlines crew members never asked “Is there a doctor on the plane… that we can beat the sh*t out of?”
  • though it doesn’t necessarily pertain to this incident, both United Airlines and the DOT blame all uncomfortable and squished airplane seating on Anesthesia, saying they have repeatedly asked for both table changes and seat changes for decades now

“Ohhhh, this TOTALLY makes sense now!” collectively replied everyone initially disgusted with United Airlines.  “Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?!”  The internet has apologized to United Airlines, and the disgust, rightly so, has been transferred to Anesthesia where it belongs.  United Airlines’ stock has already rebounded by 5% this morning, while stocks for the American Society of Anesthesiologists has plunged 400%.

Notes: (1) The only person who has condoned United’s actions is critically-acclaimed nice guy Dr. Peter Edelstein.  (2) For additional reading, refer to Gomerpedia’s “A List of Things We Can Comfortably Blame Anesthesia For.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.