tightrope walker

Amateur Tightrope Walker Looks Forward to First Level I Trauma Visit

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KANSAS CITY, MO – 28-year-old Taylor Jasper, a banker by trade who just came across tightroping just days ago, told those closest to him that he absolutely cannot wait to hop on this precariously-tied rope between his chimney and oak tree, and shortly thereafter visit the area’s level I trauma center, University of Kansas Hospital, for the first time.

tightrope walker
“The types of trauma I could sustain are endless!”

“Walking a tightrope requires concentration, balance, and intestinal fortitude, three qualities that I do not have,” Jasper told Gomerblog as he seemed to ignore the high gusts of winds vibrating the rope like a guitar string.  “That is why I start my quest to become a tightrope walker later today.”

Based on Doppler weather radar, area meteorologists predict a strong thunderstorm with winds reaching as fast as 60 miles per hour with a small possibility of hail formation as well.  “Perfect weather for a tightrope!” Jasper exclaimed, wondering if in fact he will break all four extremities.

Jasper is so optimistic about his near 30-foot free fall that he’s already told his family that his wishes are to remain a Full Code.  “I cannot wait to see, consciously or unconsciously, what the University of Kansas Hospital is truly capable of,” Jasper said.  “I’d prefer to be life flighted in, but if they decide to ambulance me in, that’s cool too.”

Jasper’s father, Roger, told us that walking on a tightrope “only inches above the ground” in “ideal weather conditions” seemed “like a total waste” to his son in which case “why bother.”  “He likes to dream big and fall flat just like his brother Harris,” his father added proudly.  To further clinch his fate, Jasper plans to wear a pair of dollar flip flops and a blindfold.

“I’ve heard amazing things about that hospital,” Jasper told Gomerblog as he says goodbye to his friends and family in case his spinal cord is crushed or severed during his inevitable defeat by gravity.  “I also want to say thanks to my trauma team in advance in case my jaw is wired shut.”

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  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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