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Screen capture from a recent television advertisement

LONDON, ENGLAND – When the season’s change – either from winter to spring or from summer to fall – we often focus on runny nose, congestion, and watery eyes.  But what about those of us with runny rectum, anal congestion, and watery anuses?  GlaxoSmithKline (GSK) to the rescue, as they have announced the release of Flonass to help treat allergic rectitis.

“Flonass is the sister spray to our largely successful Flonase, and we can’t wait to release it to both the masses and asses,” said GSK CEO Emma Walmsley in a statement released to the press.  “Instead of going up the nose, Flonass goes up the bum.  We are excited to help those afflicted with seasonal allergies of the backside.  Use this regularly and you can say goodbye to anal sniffles.”

Flonass can be used once or twice daily, and its effects are enhanced when used in conjunction with an anal antihistamine.  The tip of the nozzle should be directly inserted into the anus and then gently sprayed.  If Flonass is used while undergarments or scrubs are still on, expect to get those pieces of clothing wet.

Walmsley warns patients not to sit directly onto the spray otherwise gastroenterology or general surgery will need to be called to retrieve it, a scenario that came up numerous times during several pharmacy-sponsored trials.

“Oh, I also thought of something else,” Walmsley remembered, studying the packaging of both Flonase and Flonass.  “We probably should’ve made the packaging of Flonass look more distinct from Flonase.  Shoot.  Well, since we didn’t, please take care that you don’t mix up the two sprays.  You don’t want to put something in your nose when it was recently… You get what I’m trying to say.”

If the new product sells as well as predicted, GSK will be sure to ramp up production of Flonads for the treatment of runny testicles.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.