NORFOLK, VA – Realizing that this simple procedure was taking a turn for the worst and giving him more than he can handle, Navy urologist Richard Dix-Johnson called out “All hands on dick! All hands on dick!”
Within 60 seconds, nearly 3,000 sailors and other personnel swiftly flocked into the urology suit and placed their collective 6,000 hands on the male patient’s genitals as instructed by Dix-Johnson, equally distributing them along the meatus, shaft, and scrotum. Some even huddled around the anus in case of a “full-blown Fournier’s.” After a few quick instructions to his complement of men and women, Dix-Johnson called out, “There, perfect! Now all of you: Hold still!”
Five tense minutes passed, but thankfully disaster was averted and Dix-Johnson completed the case without complication. Dix-Johnson thanked everyone for their hard work and unbelievably prompt response, though he reminded everyone that next time they all should probably take a few extra seconds to glove up.