NEW YORK, NY – Yesterday was the last straw: Dr. Tiffani Craig loaned out two of her favorite pens only for them to be lost for all eternity. This isn’t small stuff for Craig, a hospitalist who needs a constant stream of pens to fill out the endless paper trail to nursing homes. “Every day this happens, every day I enter the hospital with pens but I come home empty handed,” Craig said to her reflection in the mirror. “Not again. Not today.”
See, she’s got a new plan: two ammunition belts draped over each shoulder. However, instead of carrying bullets or other ammo they’ve been retrofitted to carry ballpoint pens. Dubbed “pen-munition belts,” Craig’s ready to go. Boy does she have lots of pens.
“If this hospital thinks it can walk away with every pen I own, it’s got another thing coming,” Craig continued, cracking her knuckles and acknowledging that this had become personal. In addition to the two-hundred pens intimidatingly strapped across her chest and back, she is also wielding two super-sized highlighters, so big that they can’t leave her sights. “I see them from over a mile away.” Craig disclosed that she had even more pens hidden elsewhere on her person, but wouldn’t give away their whereabouts to Gomerblog.
Craig wanted to “go the whole 9 yards” but realized that ditching the white coat for camouflage and scrubs for battle fatigues would look a little ridiculous. She briefly entertained wearing eye black to up the intimidation ante, but ultimately decided against that too. The pen-munition belts were enough.
“Hey, Dr. Craig, sorry to bother you, but could I borrow one of your pens?” asked fellow hospitalist Raul Ramirez, fear soon coming across his eyes as he realized the immediacy of his mistake in making such a moronic request. Craig proceeded to flip him the bird, say “HELL NO!” before highlighting him like he had never been highlighted before. Ramirez look like he lost a collision with a mutant grapefruit. He would never ask anyone for a pen ever again.
Craig’s hairs were on end, hypervigilant that an ambush for pen-borrowing requests could happen when she least expected it, like while writing a discharge summary, grabbing a cup of joe, or weeping in the bathroom. “It’s about survival of the fittest now.”