pen-munitions belt pens

Fed Up with Losing Pens, Doctor Arms Self with Pen-Munition Belts

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“I shall never be without pens again”

NEW YORK, NY – Yesterday was the last straw: Dr. Tiffani Craig loaned out two of her favorite pens only for them to be lost for all eternity.  This isn’t small stuff for Craig, a hospitalist who needs a constant stream of pens to fill out the endless paper trail to nursing homes.  “Every day this happens, every day I enter the hospital with pens but I come home empty handed,” Craig said to her reflection in the mirror.  “Not again.  Not today.”

See, she’s got a new plan: two ammunition belts draped over each shoulder.  However, instead of carrying bullets or other ammo they’ve been retrofitted to carry ballpoint pens.  Dubbed “pen-munition belts,” Craig’s ready to go.  Boy does she have lots of pens.  

“If this hospital thinks it can walk away with every pen I own, it’s got another thing coming,” Craig continued, cracking her knuckles and acknowledging that this had become personal.  In addition to the two-hundred pens intimidatingly strapped across her chest and back, she is also wielding two super-sized highlighters, so big that they can’t leave her sights.  “I see them from over a mile away.”  Craig disclosed that she had even more pens hidden elsewhere on her person, but wouldn’t give away their whereabouts to Gomerblog.

Craig wanted to “go the whole 9 yards” but realized that ditching the white coat for camouflage and scrubs for battle fatigues would look a little ridiculous.  She briefly entertained wearing eye black to up the intimidation ante, but ultimately decided against that too.  The pen-munition belts were enough.

“Hey, Dr. Craig, sorry to bother you, but could I borrow one of your pens?” asked fellow hospitalist Raul Ramirez, fear soon coming across his eyes as he realized the immediacy of his mistake in making such a moronic request.  Craig proceeded to flip him the bird, say “HELL NO!” before highlighting him like he had never been highlighted before.  Ramirez look like he lost a collision with a mutant grapefruit.  He would never ask anyone for a pen ever again.

Craig’s hairs were on end, hypervigilant that an ambush for pen-borrowing requests could happen when she least expected it, like while writing a discharge summary, grabbing a cup of joe, or weeping in the bathroom.  “It’s about survival of the fittest now.” 

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  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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