NEW YORK, NY – Telling Gomerblog that she can never ever deny her sweet tooth the chance at dessert no matter what the consequences, Linda McEwen justified why she had tres leches anyway well-knowing it would keep her running to the bathroom all night with tres diarreas.
“Sure, I might put on a pound for every piece of tres leches I have,” began the severely lactose-intolerant McEwen, “but that’s more than offset by the gallons of loose stool and fat pouring out of my raw rectum over the next 24 hours.”
McEwen understands the risks and benefits of milk products given her underlying condition. And if she had to do it over and over again, she’d choose the tres leches every single time, no question.
“Look, I know for every time I have to wipe my mouth after each and every delicious bite of that light, airy tres leches cake – God, it’s so good! – that means twenty-or-so wipes on the toilet,” admitted McEwen, her comments nearly drowned out by the rumblings of her upset stomach. “I’m okay with that. I really am.”
As for the tres diarreas, diarrea numero uno occurs with the first 8 hours of consumption: it is frequent, loose, and sort of run-of-the mill. Diarrea numero dos is more frequent, looser, accompanied by severe flatulence. Diarrea numero tres is killer: it renders you incontinent, depletes you beyond respite, and it smells as foul as melena and C. diff combined.
McEwen had to excuse herself from the rest of this interview. She was last seen flying down the hallway, entering into a Gomerblog restroom shortly thereafter screaming, “Thar she blows!!!”