HUNTSVILLE, AL – Checking off its To Do list like it’s nobody else’s business, patient Reynold Baker’s cough is happy to report that it is being incredibly productive today.

productive cough

“Man, you’re not going to believe the level of productivity I’ve achieved today,” proudly exclaimed Baker’s raspy and rattly cough.  “Copious mucous by 6:30 AM, a paroxysmal coughing spell after food went the wrong way during breakfast just shy of 8 AM, some blood-tinged sputum around 8:45 AM, small volume hemoptysis at 9 AM, and then large-volume hemoptysis by 10 AM.”

The amazing part about this cough was that it only started yesterday afternoon.  Some patients’ coughs are lazy and need several weeks or even months to achieve the level of production that Baker’s cough saw just this morning.  Incredible.

“My doc came in just before lunchtime, asked me if I had fevers and chills, I said no, but when he asked if I had a productive cough, i just started laughing,” Baker told Gomerblog.  “I said, ‘Sit back and listen, doc, you won’t believe how productive my cough has been!'”

The cough is still feeling strong and has a few more goals in mind before the day is done.

Hypoxia would be the next thing on the To Do list, but a pneumothorax would be the icing on the cake,” the cough told this Gomerblog writer, who is wearing an N95 mask for safety precautions.  “The cherry on top would be to literally cough up a lung.  I know it’s just a figure of speech, but how cool would that be?  That’s a bucket list item.”

Both Baker and his cough have declined their medical team’s suggestion for cough syrup or some lozenges.

“Are you crazy?  Cough syrup’s just going to get in the way, slow me down,” the cough responded, feeling another whopper coming on.  “Who knows if I’m ever gonna be this productive again!  Let’s ride this bad boy out!”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.