WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise announcement early this morning, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released a new recommendation stating that whatever you’re doing to raise your kids is “probably fine.”
“Parents across the country have become increasingly concerned that they aren’t doing enough for their kids developmentally,” AAP President Colleen Kraft wrote in a press release. “As pediatricians, we would like to paraphrase the immortal words of the world’s best mother, Kris Jenner, by saying, ‘You’re doing amazing, sweetie’.”
The recommendation clarified that as the health of the nation’s youth continues to be imperiled by the dangers of smoking, obesity, mental health problems, and gun violence, your children are likely to turn out great as long you as you keep them reasonably fed, watered, housed, and loved.
“Like, definitely go ahead and breastfeed for six months or buy them organic everything,” the nation’s leading pediatricians concluded in this groundbreaking statement. “But we can confirm you pretty much get to keep your Good Parent status as long as they brush their teeth, are in bed by midnight and eat vegetables once in a while. Also, feel free to disregard anything that starts with the headline ‘Parenting – How science says you’re getting it wrong’ or ‘Parenting – How to do it better’.”
At press time, several anxious mothers and fathers were spotted asking, “What is vaping?”, “Should we play NPR or Mozart while they sleep?”, and “What’s the link between vaccines and autism?”, to which a representative for the AAP answered “Your kids probably shouldn’t do it”, “NPR is a national treasure”, and [REDACTED FOR UNCOUTH LANGUAGE].
