kidney beans

Nephrologist Feels Wrong Eating Bowl Full of Kidney Beans

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kidney beans
“Shall I dialyze every single one of you?”

TAMPA, FL – Reluctantly bringing the spoon to his mouth after spending a few minutes swirling it in the bowl in front of him, area nephrologist Samuel Martins says it feels totally wrong indulging in a bowl of kidney beans like this.

“Look, I know these aren’t real kidneys, they’re just shaped like kidneys,” said the saver and curer of real-life human kidneys.  “But they really do look like tiny little kidneys, and that just makes it really weird for me, okay?”

Martins understands this particular predicament is purely a psychological thing, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

He moves the spoonful of kidney beans away from his mouth and back into the bowl.  “I mean, I can’t help but wonder what is the GFR of each of these little guys.”  He scoops up three kidney beans.  “I mean, are the creatinines high? low? normal?  We’ll never know.”  He drops those back off in the soup before scooping up one particularly large kidney bean.  “This one here probably has hydronephrosis and needs urology on board.”  Martin awkwardly chuckles to himself.

Martins adds more water to the broth to “ensure better hydration.”

“Stop staring at me!” Martins yelled at this Gomerblog writer.  I impatiently wait to see if he’ll actually take a bite.  “You find me a hepatologist that can eat liver any faster than me, and I’ll happily down this bowl!”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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