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WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump is expected to approve a new bill sent from Congress that will provide every American citizen 1,000 pills of Xanax (alprazolam) per month.

It was swiftly passed by both the House of Representatives and Senate in unanimous votes.

“We get it, these past few weeks and months have been awful, we’re all standing on edge, our nerves completely frayed,” announced Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “President Trump initially thought we needed to give every American $1,000 to stimulate the economy. Then we, both Republicans and Democrats, thought what every American really needs is 1,000 pills of Xanax to quell the anxiety.”

A pandemic coronavirus has infected hundreds of thousands, permeating every aspect of human life across the world and not for the better. Lives, nations, economies has come to a complete standstill, and public health officials believe the worst is yet to come. A recent study by Gomerblog found that the average resting heart rate of Americans is 120.

Xanax is a benzodiazepine used to treat panic and anxiety disorders. Thanks to COVID-19, approximately 300 million Americans currently suffer with panic and anxiety disorders.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.