ATLANTA, GA – Stating that the party spread of salads, sandwiches, guacamole, cheese and pepperoni pizza, wings, burgers, hot dogs, and fried chicken simply isn’t enough, thousands of guests in the Atlanta area have signed out of their friends’ and families’ Super Bowl parties AMA citing the obvious lack of IV Dilaudid.
“What kind of Super Bowl party is this?! Is this some kind of joke??” commented an exasperated Aaron Donaldson, his paper plate filled with emptiness, not scheduled II opioid drugs. “Who throws a Super Bowl party without Dilaudid? That’s sacrilege!”
“And what kind of sides are these?” mocked Julianna Edelman, standing to Donaldson’s side. “Guacamole? Nachos? Potato skins? Where’s the IV Benadryl for Pete’s sake? The IV Ativan? The IV Phenergan? What if a first down makes me itchy? And not even a turkey sandwich in sight! What’s the point in inviting us?!”
Outside of Los Angeles and New England, casual NFL fans attend Super Bowl parties not to watch the game, but to get their fix. That being said, it isn’t uncommon for NFL fans with their teams in the Super Bowl to desire anxiolytics in the fourth quarter and, for the first time two years ago, in overtime.
“It’s the only way to cope with your horse not being in the race,” said lifelong Cleveland Browns fan Bobby Mayfield about watching the Super Bowl with opioids. He is wearing a Browns jersey, which is actually of his own volition; he isn’t altered, just a Browns fan. “I’m not going to root for the Patriots or Rams, but I’m surely gonna root for an unlimited supply of narcotics next to the queso.”