acid-base disorders

Study Concludes That Anyone Who Understands Acid-Base is a Big, Fat Liar

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BOSTON, MA – A landmark study in the latest issue of the Old England Journal of Medicine (OEJM) concluded “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that anyone who claims to understand acid-base disorders is a big, fat liar.

After polling over 500,000 health care professionals, the authors of the pH (please Help [us understand acid-base]) study found that everyone kind of gets what acidosis and alkalosis means but after that it all kind of falls apart. “Simple acid-base disorders, my eye!” one internist claimed, the idea of it causing palpitations. “There’s nothing simple about it! We’re clueless with this stuff!”

Ninety-nine percent of health care professionals confessed that whenever someone hands them the pH, pO2, and pCO2 from a resulted bedside ABG (ABsolutely Guessing), they simply “put on a poker face” and nod their heads even though their minds are saying duhhh. In fact, a study in the same issue of the OEJM found that a triple acid-base disorder leads to a 30-fold increase in troponin levels in the health care professional who comes across it.

“Let’s be clear: not even pulmonologists and nephrologists understand acid-base disorders, okay?” said nephrologist Samuel Martins, M.D. “Do you think I’m at my desk hammering out compensation rules? Hell, no. Acute, chronic, who knows! Compensation formulas cause me to decompensate.”

The study found corroborating confessions from thousands of nephrologists and pulmonologists. In fact, many initiate hemodialysis, mechanical ventilation, or both in the hopes that “whatever acid-base nonsense” taking place eventually goes away.

“Why do you think they had to create a children’s book for us about it?” Martins added. He is, of course, referring to the children’s classic, Grace & Chase Tackle Acid Base, written by Eileen Jackson. “It wasn’t written for kids, it was written for health care providers. So next time anyone claims to know this stuff, free free to call out ‘B*LLSH*T!!!’ then both of you go and re-read Grace & Chase.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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