bed control

Bed Control Totally Out of Control

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BOSTON, MA – Bed Control at Massachusetts Captain Hospital (MCH) is “totally out of control,” Gomerblog reports.  In fact, it’s f**king nuts.

“COME ON IN GUYS, DRINKS ON US!!!!” screamed Ingrid Birkeland, who actually had a lampshade on her head.  In fact, every person in Bed Control had lampshades on their heads.  Strange, considering we noticed no lamps.  “FEEL FREE TO BLAST SOME MUSIC, BUT KNOW THAT HIP-HOP AND METAL ARE PREFERRED!”  

Many health care professionals probably have the same image in mind when they think of hospital bed control: NASA’s Mission Control Center in Houston or any airport’s air-traffic control, with numerous agents on headsets, orchestrating the chaos of hospital admissions, transfers, and discharges with grace and calm.

Not the case.  Not at MCH anyway.

“HOW MANY BEDS DO WE HAVE??!!  GEEZ, GOD KNOWS!!  TEN? NINE-HUNDRED? WHO CARES, REALLY??” Birkeland continued at the top of her lungs, barely inaudible over all the games of beer pong and flip cup.  There were even a few Bed Control staff playing on a Slip N Slide.  The phones were ringing off the hook, but no one seemed particularly interested.  “WITH ALL THE PEOPLE COMING IN AND OUT EVERY DAY, IT’S HARD TO KEEP TRACK, YOU KNOW?  SO WE JUST TRY TO LET LOOSE.”

As far as we can tell, MCH may or may not be on ICU and med/surg diversion, and the ED may or may not be boarding patients.

In other news, Gomerblog has politely declined MCH Bed Control’s offer of mushrooms, cocaine, Ecstasy, and LSD.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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