WASHINGTON, D.C. – In breaking news that will infinitely complicate the already difficult process of attempting to resuscitate a patient, cardiopulmonary resuscitation (or CPR) will now require prior authorization.

The prevailing reaction to this news is best captured by a local critical care physician at George Washington University Hospital, Dr. Felicia Martin-Lowry, as she crumbled into a bumbling mess of defeat: “No… no… NOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Much like prior authorization requests for medications or other services, health care professionals will only learn about the need for a prior authorization right when CPR is initiated.  The insurer will block CPR from continuing and the health care professional will need to go through the lengthy prior authorization process.

“We need to make sure that the health care team tried some other interventions before jumping straight into CPR,” explained a spokesperson for a major national health insurance company, who preferred to wisely comment under the condition of anonymity.  “Expect us to ask questions like, did you try oxygen? did you try IV fluids? did you try an antibiotic? did you try bicarb?”  The person went on to say that the checklist of questions will border on somewhere between 700 and 800 questions.

Insurance companies understand that CPR can be a life-saving measure.  For that reason if the insurer finds that all the appropriate steps were taken prior to the patient’s death, then they will be sure to expedite the prior authorization as an urgent request, and make the decision on whether or not to approve CPR in no less than 14 days.

“Time is of the essence,” the spokesperson added, before reminding everyone that prior authorizations for CPR will only take place weekdays from 9 AM to 5 PM.

In other news, Gomerblog has learned that insurers will soon require prior authorizations before physical exams and IV placement.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.