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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rejected the first rapid COVID-19 test that could produce results with an hour in favor of a slow-as-balls COVID-19 test that might produce results with a decade, Gomerblog reports.

There are currently several diagnostic kits available in the United States, all based on nasopharyngeal swabs, but the fastest still takes 6 hours to run. Results may not be available for another 24 hours as these tests are usually batched with others and processed only once per day.

The rapid point-of-care test is produced by Cepheid, and the company believes they can make tests available by the end of March. With a turnaround time of 60 minutes or less, this could be a potential game-changer for the United States in its fight against COVID-19, especially with respect to triage and utilization of resources such as beds and personal protective equipment.

The slow-as-balls test is produced by some guy named Ted and he thinks he can make a dozen of them by Christmas time. Keeping consistent with other federal decisions made up until this point regarding pandemic coronavirus, the FDA went in favor of Ted’s test. If Ted is able to stay on schedule, results can be ready as early as Christmas 2030.

“Ted to the rescue!” the FDA issued in a statement. “Ted, Ted, Ted! Let’s go, Ted!!!”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.