ATLANTA, GA – The novel coronavirus hasn’t even peaked and emergency room personnel are already overwhelmed. In an act of goodwill, everyone is pitching in, including area OB-GYNs. Unfortunately, they’re doing it all wrong: they’re swabbing vaginas for COVID-19.
According to current guidelines, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention recommends collecting and testing upper respiratory specimens i.e. nasopharyngeal swab.
“It’s hard to break habits I guess, I’m not used to being around the head and neck area,” said OB/GYN Dr. Ella Jarrett of Atlanta Medical Center, who swabbed 9 vaginas before she realized the error in her ways. “Once I got the swab, I was immediately performing pelvics and swabbing the cervix. The good news is the patient is negative for COVID-19. The bad news is she has a rip-roaring case of bacterial vaginosis.”
“I was curious why I was being put into stirrups,” said 34-year-old male patient Jeffrey Watts, who presented with fevers, sore throat, cough, shortness of breath, and myalgias. He denied any vaginal discharge. “No worries, I spoke up and ultimately they swabbed my throat and not anything… down there.” Watts tested positive for influenza A; COVID-19 was negative.
In other news, gastroenterologists have been reminded to stop swabbing patients’ rectums for COVID-19.