ATLANTA, GA – The novel coronavirus hasn’t even peaked and emergency room personnel are already overwhelmed. In an act of goodwill, everyone is pitching in, including area OB-GYNs. Unfortunately, they’re doing it all wrong: they’re swabbing vaginas for COVID-19.

According to current guidelines, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention recommends collecting and testing upper respiratory specimens i.e. nasopharyngeal swab.

“It’s hard to break habits I guess, I’m not used to being around the head and neck area,” said OB/GYN Dr. Ella Jarrett of Atlanta Medical Center, who swabbed 9 vaginas before she realized the error in her ways. “Once I got the swab, I was immediately performing pelvics and swabbing the cervix. The good news is the patient is negative for COVID-19. The bad news is she has a rip-roaring case of bacterial vaginosis.”

“I was curious why I was being put into stirrups,” said 34-year-old male patient Jeffrey Watts, who presented with fevers, sore throat, cough, shortness of breath, and myalgias. He denied any vaginal discharge. “No worries, I spoke up and ultimately they swabbed my throat and not anything… down there.” Watts tested positive for influenza A; COVID-19 was negative.

In other news, gastroenterologists have been reminded to stop swabbing patients’ rectums for COVID-19.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.