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ATLANTA, GA – The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has updated its COVID-19 guidelines, stating it recommends strongly against defecation, this in an effort to preserve the nation’s supply of toilet paper (TP), Gomerblog reports.

The nation’s toilet paper supply remains at a critically-low level, this despite TP testing positive for coronavirus and a congressional stimulus package providing for billions of dollars’ worth of TP.

“On one hand, the public wants more toilet paper. On the other, health care professionals want more masks, respirators, gowns, diagnostic tests, beds, and ventilators. This was a very easy decision,” said U.S. Senator Richard Burr (R-NC), who not only backs the CDC recommendation but has an investment portfolio that primarily consists of TP-making companies.

With this new recommendation, the need for toilet paper should theoretically be eliminated or, at worst, markedly reduced. The CDC is asking Americans to step up by not sitting down. On the toilet, that is. Though they haven’t set an official timetable, the CDC is urging Americans to “hold it” until 2021.

The CDC will enforce this more strictly than prior recommendations. According to our coronavirus-positive sources, the punishment for defecation will be the forfeit of the 1,000 pills of Xanax sent by the federal government.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.