The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has delineated initial steps on what to do when no N95 respirators or facemasks are available, and its final step actually states “in settings where facemasks are not available, HCP [health care professionals] might use homemade masks (e.g., bandana, scarf) for care of patients.”

Great idea, CDC! I feel completely safe with those recommendations. I’m glad we’re not wasting anyone’s time and energy making more masks.

But CDC, what if we run out of homemade COVID-19-proof bandanas and scarves, which we’re making with all that free time we have?

Don’t worry, Gomerblog has got you covered.

When no facemasks, bandanas, or scarves are available for the evaluation and management of patients with confirmed or suspected pandemic COVID-19, other options include:

  • Sweaty sports cup
  • Jock strap
  • Pantyhose
  • Bra (makes two masks!)
  • Turtleneck pulled upwards
  • Oversized winter cap pulled downwards
  • Saran wrap
  • Large condom
  • Tampons in nostrils
  • Ski mask
  • SCUBA mask
  • Snorkel
  • CPAP mask
  • Horse feed bag
  • Football helmet
  • Bicycle helmet
  • Hockey goalie mask
  • Mouthguard (combined with tampons in nostrils)
  • Fishing net
  • Cargo net
  • Pacifier
  • Whistle
  • Clarinet mouthpiece
  • Wig with bangs
  • Fake beard
  • AORN-approved beard cover
  • Picnic basket
  • Onesie
  • Stormtrooper helmet (with or without body armor)
  • Darth Vader helmet
  • Mascot uniform
  • Pillowcase
  • Plastic bag
  • Paper bag
  • Swiss cheese cut in the shape of a surgical mask
  • Toilet paper
  • Butt plugs
  • Prayer
  • Pulling hood of hooded sweatshirt over head
  • Having medical student stand between you and patient
  • Stuffing a pair of socks in your mouth
  • Crossing all the fingers on one hand
  • Holding your breath
Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.