ATLANTA, GA – Cautioning that its newest recommendation is not meant to alarm the American public or imply that we are losing the fight against COVID-19 by any means, the Centers of Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) just simply thinks that we should move to Antarctica while we still have the chance. STAT.
“Look, oil prices are low, flights are cheap, I’m not saying that we should all panic, I’m just saying that Antarctica has no cases of coronavirus, so we should really just think about the possibility of moving there and maybe starting a new colony so humanity doesn’t become extinct,” explained CDC Director Robert R. Redfield while he readies his doomsday kit and ties a bandana over his nose and mouth. His knife is extra sharp and ready to go. “It would only be a one-way ticket too, since we never wanna come back to this country or any other country again.”
Since declaring the COVID-19 pandemic, the World Health Organization has reiterated that we need to remain calm, focus all our efforts on slowing the spread, and pack lots of layers and tell our loved ones goodbye when we migrate to Antarctica in a last ditch effort at survival.
“The CDC wants everyone to take a couple of deep breaths,” said Redfield. “And after taking those said deep breaths, under the cover of night, meet me at the South Pole where hopefully our small cohort of survivors – hopefully one of us knows how to make fire – can procreate and repopulate the world and rebuild our civilization when this particular apocalypse is said and done. But again, don’t panic.”
