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Oslo, Norway – An advancement that has been heralded as a boon for animal rights and paraphilia aficionados everywhere was recently unveiled at the Ideas and Innovations Expert Panel at the European Society for Gastroenterology’s annual meeting, where Dr. Franz Felcher proudly presented his invention to a rapt audience.

His inspiration? A predicament he found himself in during a particularly frisky weekend in Amsterdam. “There I was, with a gerbil named Shnitzel stuck in my rear, and I could not for the life of me remember the safe word. I think we were both stressed—the rodent and I, that is. The dominatrix was as cool as the cucumber she wielded in her left hand… Anyhoo, I thought, ‘there has to be a better way!’ And then it hit me like a studded riding crop—an endoscopic “Have A Heart trap!”

Such a device would enable safe and humane extraction of rodents from the lower digestive tract. Of course it did neither me nor poor Shnitzel any good that fateful day, but I set out to ensure such tragedies would be a thing of the past!”

He developed the device with the aid of engineering students at the University of Oslo, and in no time at all, he and his crack team were freeing frightened rodents from backdoors all over the European Union. As his presentation concluded, to a totally unsurprising standing ovation, one of the panelists asked where the new device could be purchased, and quickly added that he was “asking for a friend.”