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NEW YORK, NY – In an effort to bolster our nation’s supply of health care workers, young pretend nurses and doctors far and wide have signed up in crayon to help join the front line in the fight against pandemic coronavirus.

“You know what’ll make you feel better, Mr. Bear? A big hug!” said 4-year-old pretend nurse by the name of Alyssa, who is preparing to jump into the trenches of New York City’s swamped hospitals. “See, don’t you feel better already?”

New York City has become the epicenter for COVID-19 in the United States. Yet despite that, courageous volunteers, retired health care professionals, and medical students continue to pitch in. Now add pretend health care workers to that list.

“We have been very lucky that toy teddy bears, giraffes, hippopotamuses, elephants, and koala bears have been spared up until this point,” said Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) Robert R. Redfield. “As a result, our nation’s army of pretend, play health care professionals can focus all of their energies on evaluating patients with suspected or confirmed COVID-19.”

Redfield is concerned that toddler personal protective equipment is running low, even on a pretend level, but the CDC feels that pacifiers should serve as adequate protection regardless.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.