ER Places Bowl Full of Percocet in Waiting Room, Lowers Visits

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HANOVER, NJ – Local emergency medicine physicians have developed a groundbreaking way to reduce the number of patients they will see during a shift.  The new policy mimics a common Halloween tradition: leave a bowl full of candy outside with a sign that says “Take One,” allowing one to get drunk and not be bothered by children.

percocetPlacing a large bowl of Percocet in the waiting room has drastically cut down on the number of patients checking in at Holy Cross Hospital’s ER.  “We basically say you are on the honor system,” Dr. Runofsky told GomerBlog, quenching concerns about patients taking too many pills home.  “They came here demanding ‘pain drugs,’ so help yourself.”

Typically an ER physician will argue with patients all night long regarding narcotic prescriptions.  This causes longer wait times in the ER waiting room for all other comers.  People with sore arms, teeth, ears, frenulums, and chronic abdominal pain will visit local ERs at odd hours for the remote hope that they will be prescribed Percocet; Dilaudid if the opioid gods find favor them.

“At first I was a little cynical of this new plan,” Dr. Harvey told reporters.  “I mean most pain patients are allergic to Vicodin, Percocet, Motrin, and Tylenol; therefore – and quite coincidentally – Dilaudid is the only medication that helps with their pain.  Was I ever wrong!  Last night we had a no-hitter.  That is the first on the books.”

Local resident Patricia Storm, who used to have a Tylenol allergy raves about the new program.  “I used to have a Tylenol allergy but that is when I had to wait three hours to get Dilaudid!  Now all I have to do is walk in, take a handful of Percocet, and head home.  My day isn’t ruined by my 10/10 pain.”

Costs have fallen, storage closets are full of script pads, wait times are at record lows, and the ER hasn’t received a complaint in months.  Dilaumed prescriptions, not to be confused with Dilaudid, have disappeared completely.

Critics argue some patients prefer oxycodone and even fentanyl lollipops for their pain.  Dr. Runofsky replied with an easy solution: “They can wait if they want to.”

To date no one has.

  • Show Comments

  • Lazy Kitten

    no shit

  • Hardwyre

    Without the nasty side effect of having to give a shit about your liver! Wheeee!

  • joe smith

    oh fuck…..

  • Jah Hozer

    wait. what? what does satire mean? Im sorry. Im on edge. I dropped my script down the sink… So i’ve been looking around for this ER all night. Can anyone tell me where this is? Im in much too much pain to argue with some dumb nurse, or big pharma shill for my medicine.

  • Donna Johnson

    We used to joke about going out into the waiting room with 2 bowls. One with Percocet and one with work excuses. Made us giggle a bit while dealing with the true emergencies.

  • ledger66

    I am sorry about your father, but I agree with Rosita about the sad state of our society. If your father had cancer he must have seen either his primary Dr or an Oncologist, either of which would gladly prescribe something for pain. As an ER nurse I would gladly advocate for as much pain med as your dad needed to get relief. I believe the article is aimed at patients who never see their primary doc and are always showing up to the ER with complaints of pain that are hard to sustantiate (like abdominal pain, headache, and back pain – all of which there may be no cause found), amd inevitably these patients say they are allergic to anything but the strongest pain meds available. These patients clog up our ED and make wait times for genuine patients (like your father) horrendous. So, while I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, this satire pokes fun of those patients that all of us ER nurses would like to put out a big bowl of Percocets for.

  • Dave Bach

    Typical dumb cunt. Does not understand something, makes a dopey comment, people giggle, then the cunt freaks out. The only thing you were called was “gullible” and for you to read the above and think it was true does make you gullible. THEN, rather than deleting your moronic comment, you start calling people bitches and ass hole… that is why you are a dumb cunt. Please, have your pussy cut out now so we don’t have to deal with your stupid offspring.

  • mahopinion

    Typical illiterate.

  • Naptown

    I hate that they lump in tooth pain with those other “typical drug seeker” excuses. Of all the physical pains I have endured in my (almost) 40 years in this form, tooth pain has got to be the most excruciating!! And it never fails that every time I’ve needed to go to the emergency room for tooth pain my doctor has perfect teeth and obviously has no idea what a swollen, abscessed tooth feels like….

  • Mo0nangel

    they probably mean just plain oxycodone, without tylenol in it. You can pop more of those than Percocet.

  • Ruth Thomas

    I’ve laughed harder at some of these comments than I did at the actual “article”….this is great!!

  • Natalie Walsh

    Umm ok lady but seriously my father lived and fought cancer for the last 3 years of his life. Without pain meds he would have died a lot sooner but instead he had good days that he got to spend taking walks and sitting on the patio watching his toddler grandson play.
    Grow a heart lady. Hopefully no one you love has to live with chronic pain, will you tell them to live with it and move on sheesh

  • Kimberly Walton

    Typical douche bag.

  • Matt Peters

    You are welcome! (btw, it’s you’re, not your.)

  • Kimberly Walton

    Your right, I did feel stupid. I am glad my mistake made all you as assholes, who had to point it out to me over and over again, feel really smart.

  • Matt Peters

    The article about the “Dilaudid Nazi” was also satire. Just thought you should know, so you don’t sound stupid again.

  • Matt Peters

    You sound like you know a lot about the medical field. Let me guess, your Aunt is a CNA in Chicago, right?

  • mahopinion

    It’s called satire.

  • mahopinion

    Awww…don’t be a hater just because it got pointed out that you are an idiot.

  • equationator

    I thought the same thing. Maybe this article is just bluffing us and laughing at our expense.

  • Naptown

    The author (hate to even call him/her that lol) was saying that normally people would say their allergic to Tylenol so they can get something stronger, like Dilaudid which doesn’t contain Tylenol. But, since they don’t have to wait to get the Percocet (Brand name Oxycodone, BTW) they don’t seem to mind the Tylenol….

  • Naptown

    “Critics argue some patients prefer Oxycodone and even Fentanyl lollipops for their pain.” Percocet IS Oxycodone.

  • Kimberly Walton

    If you say bitch realllllllly slow, it sounds like Juls…..

  • Juls

    if you say gullible reallllllly slow, it sounds like orangutan….

  • Cliff Rice

    Perhaps someone should tell Patricia Storm that Percocet contains a full dose of tylenol. So much for her “allergy”.

  • Michael Fisher

    lol I feel dumber for you trying to sound smart. The article is obviously fake guy.

  • notation

    Oh, please. An “innocent mistake”? You’re the same clown who claimed that cannabis cures cancer! You’re an idiot who thinks copying and pasting a story someone wrote is proof of it! You’re the one who thinks typing a retort in caps makes it more impressive!

    Thanks for providing me with a lovely guffaw, dear. You’re dimmer than a two-watt bulb, as you’ve proven time and time again.

    Why don’t you stop commenting on vaccines (and other things about which you know less than nothing) and get an education? Or is that just too taxing for you?

  • kathy n

    of course that’s all you see. you are a douche. you cannot contain your ego. you must respond to each post. you can’t help yourself because you are a douche. i had made a comment 25 days ago and you just stumbled upon it and in your vast expanse of douchery and apparent boredom, you found the need to point out an innocent mistake in not seeing the word ‘satire’ at the top of the web page. you are obviously a damaged human being who finds nothing more interesting in their sorry little life than to comment on posts of other people that are neither here nor there. you sad, sad little being. caught up in your world of ego without even seeing it. you know what you need? a mirror. look in it and try to find the good being you may have once been. sad, sad little troll. i won’t respond again, so get ready to jerk yourself a soda…

  • notation

    All I see is a dumb a$$ who doesn’t know what “satire” means and is completely uneducated. You know nothing about science. You can’t write worth a crap. What’s really hilarious is that you are powerless to ignore the posts of someone you think is “douchey”.

    You’re laughable. How can anyone not see that?

  • kathy n

    no. because you are just a douche. it is obvious to me how douchey you are. you can’t see it?

  • notation

    Why? Because you’re dumb and hate to have it pointed out to you?

  • kathy n

    wow. you are a total douche.

  • notation

    DUH. Wasn’t the word “satire” a clue?

  • Anitsisqua

    This is a great plan they can also carry out with a bowl of placebo. Weed out drug-seekers.

  • Anitsisqua

    That’s the joke.

  • Melanie Berlin Lefebvre

    Thanks for the percs ! Ummm I crave sweets when I’m on them, do you by chance have any candy for the bowl too ? :)

  • tangsting

    He might become a very relaxed guard with the drugs and a free chair from Costanza.

  • tangsting

    “Which one?”

    “The one The Simpsons are in!”

  • Benjamin Spaethe

    This is NOT a true article. The DEA requires a patient to have a filed script for a class II substance. If this were true, the hospital would be shut down as I type. Also don’t forget that kids are in the waiting room too. Huge liability. And the big one: addicts nationwide would flock to and flood this hospital within hours of this news release…if they aren’t pouring into their ER already! This is more proof that you don’t believe all the internet provides…unless you wanna be laughed at frequently :D

  • Rosita Filling

    I think I have been duped! However, this certainly sheds light on society’s sad state of affairs! Everyone has pain-learn to live with it and move on!

  • Rosita Filling

    How are you getting around thee law? Dispensing narcotics without a prescription for a specific patient, etc?

  • tchdab1

    Bowl of narcan alongside please.

  • kathy n

    this is obviously a joke. not only is it crazy, but it is illegal.

  • Tracy RN

    Funny how a woman with a Tylenol allergy can take percocet. Percoct has acetaminophen in it which is Tylenol.

  • Kristene Thompson

    And then what happens if they get caught with these pills they have no prescription for? They are illegal without one. Hell I did 2 years probation once for having one percocet that I couldn’t prove was mine.

  • Bob Ballard

    10 Seconds into reading the article its clearly satire. Well that and the site has the word SATIRE in the masthead… If the issue is that we shouldn’t use satire to shed light on social issues, that cat was let out of the bag 250 years ago with political cartoons.

  • RockinCrystal76

    Yes we did had to google it. Apparently, people have frenulums in different parts of the body – the part in the middle under the tongue, for instance.

  • Teresa Briggs

    The word of the day: Satire.

  • gomerblog

    Thanks Dirk!

  • Kristi White Dunlap

    I really hate satire articles like this. Never amused.

  • Dirk Disco

    It’s about time the medical community got some decent satire ala the Military-centric Duffle Blog.

  • Kim Miller

    Surely someone would fill up their pockets and return with a just take the whole bowl!!

  • RenegadePM

    It’s satire.

  • john

    I actually live in Hanover, NJ . . . . there seems to be a mix of all kinds of non truth to this story . . . like either dr is in this town the “hospital” is real but in Maryland . . . unk about the ER giving anything away forget about meds . . . what a shame on who ever wrote this nonsense

  • Kimberly Walton

    I think this is stupid. Isn’t it illegal to dispense narcotics without a script??? Come on people!

  • Me

    That would be hilarious!!

  • Gomerblog

    A sign to the exit and a one way bus ticket somewhere else!

  • Elizabeth Buxton

    I want one! The sign,that is. Except mine would say,”Free Percocet! This way!!” With a sign to the exit….

  • Gomerblog

    Lisa Stranc Bliss You win fan of the week if not month with that comment

  • Lisa Stranc Bliss

    Brilliant! Gomerblog is simply brilliant!

  • Barbara

    True enough, but after awhile the street value would become nonexistent – the law of supply and demand.

  • Independent Tom

    How about doing it for real with a bowl of poison pills?

  • Harold Mick Hewitt Jr.

    This is highly advanced and progressive thinking. We all need to think outside the box.

  • Drea DoesntCare

    I want

  • Sue Wilson

    boy, they had to google that one for sure.

  • Gomerblog

    Oh yeah, frenulum pain is abundant

  • Gomerblog

    Maybe ERs could hire one security guard to stand by the bowl

  • Gomerblog


  • Jill Bradford-Ross


  • Sue Wilson

    pain in their frenulum? lol!!!

  • Reginna Ward Lindsay

    Where is this ER? Think I need a visit.

  • Sarah Kohrmann

    Ahhh Gomerblog, you’re always good for a smile after a long drug-dispensing shift!!

  • Sara Brott Rosenthal

    That is AWESOME!

  • Nick Angelis

    LOL Include a complimentary bowl of sugar free #Haribogummybears and they won’t come back for constipation either.

  • David Ray

    It is a bit like an unguarded candy dish on Halloween.

  • Stacey Bertram


  • Sheri Frickey

    A dispenser set up to a fingerprint scanner so you could only get two a day. But then people would be dragging in every soul they could bribe so maybe not.

  • Dawn Aken

    Lol, that would be nice.

  • Jamie Juliano

    Lol….the whole bowl would be picked up and gone in 2 seconds

  • Maria Martinez

    Address please

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