Parent Uses Landmark Paper ‘No Difference in Scrape Healing Placebo Vs. Band-Aid’ Without Success

This won't make it any better...
This won’t make it any better…

OMAHA, NE – Local resident Amy Shoemaker has tried to inform her children over and over that Band-Aids applied to only superficial wounds make no difference in long-term outcomes.

“I told [Hailey], ‘Look at the data!  No difference compared to placebo when using a Band-Aid, especially if it is a Dora Band-Aid.'” Still Hailey, 5, and Emma, 3, demand Band-Aids for any bump or tiny scrape they accrue.

Her 5-year-old took modern science and threw it out the window when she heard the evidence from her mother and – not backed by any peer-reviewed study – demanded a Band-Aid.

The 3-year-old refuses to believe any Band-Aid that isn’t pink will not work when it’s clearly made from the same materials as the blue ones.  “She might as well visit a witch doctor,” Amy said in frustration.  “This paper is clearly powered correctly, and the confidence interval shows there is no significant difference.  Urgh!”

Sources confirm that Amy’s daughter also wants her to “kiss” her “owie.”  Infection control was notified of a clear contamination of the patient’s wound with oral flora.

Pediatricians have conformed similar frustrations in dealing with anti-vaxxers like these little children.  “They just don’t listen to science.  Maybe if we color the vaccines pink or green, they would start taking them!”