SAN ANTONIO, TX – Sgt. Bergdahl was being treated by an internal medicine team at Hope Mercy Hospital for routine care on Wednesday, when he wandered from his room and was captured by a prowling surgical team.  Sgt. Bergdahl is most famous for being captured by the Taliban and subsequently been held in captivity for 5 years, before being rescued in a handoff.

Early reports state that Bergdahl is scrubbing into surgeries and being forced to retract for up to to 7 hours at a time without bathroom or food breaks.  He will be slightly bent over holding the retractor and his back would be burning in pain.  Hand cramps are all too common these days for Bergdahl.  Every once in a while they will get him a step stool so that he can see what is going on but typically his arm is reaching around other residents and he is standing behind them, all twisted and uncomfortable.

“It’s really hard to get a surgeon to speak to me, much less confirm that Bergdahl is with the surgical team,” internist Dan Wright told reporters.  “My anesthesia colleagues said they would keep an eye out, maybe look up from their Sudoku a couple more times.”

A mole from the surgical team tells us that Bergdahl is consistently mentally abused and forced “to read the surgeon’s mind” during procedures.  The questioning during surgery is getting out of hand.  “Anticipate me, you should know what I’m going to do next,” are common phrases shouted at the inexperienced surgical resident.

His captures are really messing with his emotions.

They will wake him up at 3:30 a.m. and keep him busy until 10 or 11 pm.  At 3:30 am they have him torture other people by waking them up and pressing on the very wounds that their group caused just the day before.

“They are trying to assimilate him into their culture,” psychiatrist Paula Metz told GomerBlog.  “Giving a captor control over other captors and letting them perform some of the tasks the group is known for, is a classic tool during the assimilation phase.”  The attending surgeon has even let Bergdahl yell at the medical student on rounds.

At the time of this article Bergdahl was struggling to cut the surgical knots the correct length.