patient satisfaction

Brothel Workers Consulted in Patient Satisfaction Project

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RENO, NV – In what is being called a “fresh” and “unorthodox” effort to boost patient satisfaction survey scores, Heart of The Valley Hospital has hired consultants from a local brothel.

patient satisfaction
New ER lighting

“Healthcare is constantly being compared against the airline industry because of their phenomenal safety measures, and the fact that they have far fewer customer deaths when compared to hospitals,” says Heart of the Valley CEO Tom Clarke.

“Did you know that you are 250,000 times more likely to die in a hospital than in an airplane?  We obviously need to listen to and emulate the airline industry.”

Clarke continued, “Likewise, when you really analyze customer satisfaction statistics, it becomes very clear that one industry stands out amongst the rest.  We’ve just been fortunate that the kind folks from ‘The Kitten Hut’ were available for hire.  Of course, like any other business consultant service – they don’t come cheap.”

“At first I didn’t know what I could possibly contribute to a hospital,” reports Chastity, a newly-hired consultant for the emergency department.  “I mean, it was intimidating at first to be advising a hospital operation.  But then you realize that there are a lot of similarities between what they do, and what I do.  I mean, you’re basically dealing with a bunch of desperate people waiting to have their names called so they can get roomed.  You bring them back, you lay them on a bed, and then you give them what they need.  There’s really very little difference at all.”

With enough input from these customer satisfaction experts, Heart of The Valley hopes to bolster their satisfaction scores, which have been lagging behind their competitors.

“I’ve never had a customer complaint,” says Shantelle, another consulting expert.  “Not once.  It’s clear some things need fixing around here.  They’ve got a long road to success, but with the right changes, this place could be a REAL patient satisfaction juggernaut.”

Based on consultant recommendations, hospital administrators are working on a proposal to purchase red mood lighting and velour animal print bedding for all the rooms, as well as an ED lobby bar for patients to relax at before they are seen.

Barry White and Isaac Hayes music will be played through a new Bose speaker system throughout the hospital.  Funding is being provided by cutting back on supplies of IV fluid bags and code cart medications.

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Kaitie Issler

    Ian Reilly

  • Avatar
    Diary Of A RockStar

    GomerBlog for the win w/ making me guffaw today! Your survey is in & has 5 stars all around! :)

  • Avatar
    Angela Reeves

    Lol Casey Roberson Shaver

  • Avatar
    Casey Roberson Shaver

    Molli Sells, Debbie Housley Brown, Angela Reeves, Laura Reece Anderson they are on to us, lol

  • Avatar
    Daphanie Rogers-Chapman

    lol

  • Avatar
    Laura Grimmer

    Maybe that’s how you get a Daisy Award?

  • Avatar
    Kelley Hughes Reep

    So funny!

  • Avatar
    Robert Stone

    What Justin said.

  • Avatar
    Justin Jp Porter

    The problem that this article fails to mention is that people who frequent “brothels” pay for the services and therefore deserve to be satisfied. The people who bitch the most in the ed are the people who aren’t going to pay, or have the gold card “insurance”…

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    Hmmm.. This could work. Just make sure condoms and dental dams are readily available so patient safety can remain a priority as well.
    (LOL @ author’s name: “Cokinsocks McTavington” – awesome! )

  • Avatar
    Kimberly Henderson Hastings

    Robert Stone lol

  • Avatar
    Bethine Merson Powell

    This is priceless, and some truth to it as well! LOL, thanks Jen!

  • Avatar
    Karyn Taplyn

    That’d be great for the Gen X & Ys. Maybe Channing Tatum for the Millenials & hmmm, Sean Connery for the Boomers??

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    How about Clooney look alikes scattered throughout the hospital

  • Avatar
    Karyn Taplyn

    It really is just that easy. Don’t forget to put a couple Hollywood heart throbs in the corner for the ladies….

  • Avatar
    Kristin Aigner

    Haha!

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Moore Baker

    That and a bowl of Percocet in the lobby will get you 100%!

  • Avatar
    Aoife O’Sullivan

    I love you so much Gomerblog. Don’t ever leave me.

  • Avatar
    Lynn Kessler

    Wtf

  • Avatar
    Lynne Miller

    Awesome use of sarcasm! Love it.

  • Avatar
    Sherry Maling Weersing

    LOL

  • Avatar
    Suzanne Banach

    Love it !

  • Avatar
    Mónica Godrid

    So told me once one patient that worked as a prostitute. ..”my job is just like yours”…

  • Avatar
    Casey Roberson Shaver

    Daphanie Rogers-Chapman you think they are on to our tricks, since we scored 100% likelyhood to recommend. Lmbo

  • Avatar
    Gabriel Flanders

    Heh heh, Phoebe Robinson!

  • Avatar
    Guerrero Laura

    Yes yes yes!!!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Saeed Bashir

    Haha

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Y. Lee

    John DeBardeleben Saeed Bashir

  • Avatar
    Claudine Schorfheide

    Yes!

  • Avatar
    Roslane Mcgill

    Yasss!!!

  • Avatar
    Christy Thornthwaite Rananto

    Kitten hut! Ros Roslane Mcgill

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