FREEHOLD, NJ – CEO John Watkins of Freehold Medical Center is set to throw another epic end-of-the-year holiday party for his hospital and healthcare employees in an annual tradition of celebrating yet another year of resignations, failures, setbacks, and broken promises. This year Watkins will only be charging $20 per head to enter into his home.
“It’s gonna be a blast, I can sense it,” said Watkins, as he filled Christmas stockings with bitter candy canes and lies. “It’s gonna be epic.”
“It is a tremendous time to come together,” explained respiratory therapist Jackie Thompson, dressed in her best ugly sweater with her two weeks notice in hand. “We come together, commiserate, and say goodbye to all of our colleagues smart enough to leave this dump and pursue other professions or careers. It really is a magical and thankless time.”
The first hospital holiday party thrown by Watkins ten years ago was “dull, dull, and dull” and a “snooze fest,” focusing on boring and predictable themes like “food and alcohol,” “Christmas and Hanukkah,” and “friends and family.” However, employees agree that the holiday party has gotten better each and every year. Many observe that “the more horrific a work year, the better the party.”
“I love playing Who’s Going to Resign First in the New Year?” said anesthesiologist Tammy Jones, bringing a freshly-baked list of complaints and grievances. “Each year I think I’m going to win, but then someone beats me to it, and it’s always someone I least expect!”
Employees look forward to the Christmas Tree of Resignation, which is beautifully decorated with the names of past employees who have quit and went into more fulfilling and appreciated areas of employment like coal-mining or disimpacting constipated elephants. This year’s tree, also known as the Turnover Tree, will be decorated with over 2,000 names.
Employees also look forward to the Hanukkah Menorah of Setbacks, with each candle lit in memory of a broken promise. Though the broken promises won’t be revealed until the night of the party, most anticipate “Not Treating Us Like Sh*t” will be one of the lit candles. Most are also hoping this year’s menorah has “way more” than 9 branches.
Each year, Watkins and his wife welcome the guests at the door. Employees and their families put on their best and most expensive poker faces. Employees gather and congregate, making fun of the CEO and his failures as leader behind his back, before holding a fake conversation with him and explaining how life couldn’t be more perfect at the hospital, with the CEO having no perception of sarcasm.
Employees exchange tales of their terrible days at work and laugh about their misery. The CEO perceives the laughter as the party being a huge success, though it really reflects employee self-loathing and despair. Finally, before the night ends, the entire group gathers together to celebrate the 75% of them who are leaving the hospital for good. Sayonara, goodbye.
Though this year’s holiday party is expected to be full of drama, drawbacks, and letdowns, it’ll be hard to top last year’s showstopper, which is still widely considered to be the most memorable hospital holiday party ever to take place: nearly 95% of the Freehold Medical Center staff quit on site. Doctors, nurses, mid-levels, pharmacists, nutritionists, speech therapists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, social workers, techs, transporters, receptionists, phone operators, and janitors announced their departures in record droves and in unison stormed off, singing the medical holiday favorites, “Contracts Roasting on an Open Fire, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Bullsh*t,” “Little Druggie Boy,” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Co-Pay.”