hospital holiday party

Work Holiday Party to Celebrate Another Year of Resignations, Broken Promises

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FREEHOLD, NJ – CEO John Watkins of Freehold Medical Center is set to throw another epic end-of-the-year holiday party for his hospital and healthcare employees in an annual tradition of celebrating yet another year of resignations, failures, setbacks, and broken promises.  This year Watkins will only be charging $20 per head to enter into his home.

hospital holiday party
“Syynnnergy…haaaaaum um um”

“It’s gonna be a blast, I can sense it,” said Watkins, as he filled Christmas stockings with bitter candy canes and lies.  “It’s gonna be epic.”

“It is a tremendous time to come together,” explained respiratory therapist Jackie Thompson, dressed in her best ugly sweater with her two weeks notice in hand.  “We come together, commiserate, and say goodbye to all of our colleagues smart enough to leave this dump and pursue other professions or careers.  It really is a magical and thankless time.”

The first hospital holiday party thrown by Watkins ten years ago was “dull, dull, and dull” and a “snooze fest,” focusing on boring and predictable themes like “food and alcohol,” “Christmas and Hanukkah,” and “friends and family.”  However, employees agree that the holiday party has gotten better each and every year.  Many observe that “the more horrific a work year, the better the party.”

“I love playing Who’s Going to Resign First in the New Year?” said anesthesiologist Tammy Jones, bringing a freshly-baked list of complaints and grievances.  “Each year I think I’m going to win, but then someone beats me to it, and it’s always someone I least expect!”

Employees look forward to the Christmas Tree of Resignation, which is beautifully decorated with the names of past employees who have quit and went into more fulfilling and appreciated areas of employment like coal-mining or disimpacting constipated elephants.  This year’s tree, also known as the Turnover Tree, will be decorated with over 2,000 names.

Employees also look forward to the Hanukkah Menorah of Setbacks, with each candle lit in memory of a broken promise.  Though the broken promises won’t be revealed until the night of the party, most anticipate “Not Treating Us Like Sh*t” will be one of the lit candles.  Most are also hoping this year’s menorah has “way more” than 9 branches.

Each year, Watkins and his wife welcome the guests at the door.  Employees and their families put on their best and most expensive poker faces.  Employees gather and congregate, making fun of the CEO and his failures as leader behind his back, before holding a fake conversation with him and explaining how life couldn’t be more perfect at the hospital, with the CEO having no perception of sarcasm.

Employees exchange tales of their terrible days at work and laugh about their misery.  The CEO perceives the laughter as the party being a huge success, though it really reflects employee self-loathing and despair.  Finally, before the night ends, the entire group gathers together to celebrate the 75% of them who are leaving the hospital for good.  Sayonara, goodbye.

Though this year’s holiday party is expected to be full of drama, drawbacks, and letdowns, it’ll be hard to top last year’s showstopper, which is still widely considered to be the most memorable hospital holiday party ever to take place: nearly 95% of the Freehold Medical Center staff quit on site.  Doctors, nurses, mid-levels, pharmacists, nutritionists, speech therapists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, social workers, techs, transporters, receptionists, phone operators, and janitors announced their departures in record droves and in unison stormed off, singing the medical holiday favorites, “Contracts Roasting on an Open Fire, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Bullsh*t,” “Little Druggie Boy,” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Co-Pay.”

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    admission to holiday party: $25,- hurray , dress code: beach chic…..attendance by actuall non managment staff: 0

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    Our Administrators threw one for the staff at a fancy place….and then they didn’t even show up. Guess they didn’t want to handle drunk, angry employees again.
    But then, none of the doctors showed up either as they were all at home working until midnight on their EHR computer records………….

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    Bill Moore

    In certain parts of the country, NPs, PAs, CRNAs, Nurse Midwives are referred to as Midlevel practitioners. Other parts of the country they are physician extenders or Licensed Independent Practitioners (LIPs). In all parts of the country, they are cheap labor in the business of healthcare profits.

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    Stephanie Hargesheimer Zoll

    Oh yeah, the rest of the year I can’t afford to eat there. They used to give us a discount, but they took that away a while back. Right around the time they jacked up the prices.

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    Angie Stratton

    Katrina we (NPs, PAs) are NOT “mid-levels”

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    Katrina Gabelko

    Nurse practitioners. Physician assistants, etc are midlevels. I’m a midlevel but I’m not leaving my job… Hopefully, right?

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    Katrina Gabelko

    C’est la vie… Sigh… .

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    Tony Castillo

    at least you get a free meal jeez what a luxury. our cafeteria salads cost $7

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    Stephanie Hargesheimer Zoll

    Wtf is a hospital holiday party? All we get is a free meal in the cafeteria.

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    Angie Stratton

    What are the “mid-levels” that joined in announcing their departure at the party? I’ve never heard of them… otherwise pretty funny stuff.

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    completely understand :) …DO IT STILL!!

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    Maggie Angelica

    I want to share this so badly, but it hits a little too close to home!

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