CHARLESTON, SC – An innovative new program implemented at Charleston Clinic is successfully deterring patients suspected of having drug-seeking behavior from returning to their healthcare system, giving hope to medical providers that the war on narcotics can be won.  The program is called Stickers for Drug Seekers or S4DS, and it is quickly being adopted in hospitals, clinics, and operating rooms across the country.  S4DS is the brainchild of Nurse Amanda O’Donnell.

“It’s safe to say we’ve all had it with those pesky drug seekers,” explains Nurse O’Donnell, as she purges another Pyxis of narcotics.  “Why give narcotics when you can give stickers?”  She puts two stickers on her cheeks, one of a smiling baby and another of a goofy giraffe, and gives a big smile.  Nurse O’Donnell’s plan has won the support of every medical provider at Charleston Clinic.

The S4DS premise is very simple: Any time a patient asks for a narcotic like Dilaudid, offer a sticker.  That’s it.

Nurse O’Donnell was kind enough to provide GomerBlog with a transcript of a recent patient-provider interaction on an inpatient ward at the Charleston Clinic, which illustrates the powerful and far-reaching effects of the S4DS program.

Patient: I need Dilaudid for this cough.

Nurse: I’m sorry to hear that.  I cannot offer you Dilaudid, but I can offer you a sticker.     

Patient: What did you say?

Nurse: I can offer you a sticker, many stickers in fact.

Patient: Are you nuts?

Nurse: We have lots of colorful stickers to choose from…

Patient: Who gives a [bleep] about stickers?  I want Dilaudid, damn it!

Nurse: … we have this cute one of a green frog…

Patient: A green what?

Nurse: … or a blue dinosaur, that one looks really fun…

Patient: What the [bleep] is your problem?  Give me my [bleep] Dilaudid!

Nurse: … actually, this chicken one might work, it’s so CUTE…

Patient: I don’t want any stickers, damn it!  Get me Dilaudid!  NOW!

Nurse: … this chicken one would look so good on your cute puffy cheeks!!!

Patient: Let me talk to your superior, this is [bleep] ridiculous!

Nurse: Here, let me put this sticker on you, it’ll be fun!  Who doesn’t like FUN?

Patient: Where’s my doctor?  Call my [bleep] doctor!  NOW!

Nurse: Your doctor is getting you some more stickers!  Aren’t you excited?!

Patient: [bleep] this [bleep], I’m getting the [bleep] outta here!!

Charleston Clinic medical providers of all types across all the specialties, both inpatient and outpatient, have noticed an impressive reduction in the number of drug seekers appearing in their clinics, emergency rooms, and other medical settings.  Healthcare costs at Charleston Clinic have fallen by 4000%, citing the decreased need for extensive medical work-ups to “prove these [bleep] patients wrong” as a major source of their cost savings.

“The S4DS program is absolutely revolutionary,” commented internist Patrick Rodgers, who is particularly fond of Transformers and Dora the Explorer stickers.  “I can report to work in peace and know that the one [bleep] of a patient who always manages to ruin my day won’t be there any more.  It’s so nice to love my job again.”

Nurse O’Donnell is helping healthcare systems across the country start up S4DS programs at their respective sites.  The S4DS program is spreading like wildfire and the war on narcotics has been renewed with vigor and, more importantly, stickers.  Fun, playful, yet deterrent stickers.

“Some are putting their own spin on it and it’s great, simply great,” commented Nurse O’Donnell.  “One hospital in Tennessee just started doing something called Hugs 4 Drugs and it’s already taking off.  Isn’t that incredible?  I wish I had thought of that!”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.