ATLANTA, GA – The Food & Drug Administration (FDA) finally came to its senses today by agreeing to ban any narcotic that contains the letter D or a vowel in it.  The long-awaited ban, which hopes to curb annoying drug-seeking patients and allow health care practitioners to actually practice medicine for once, starts today.

letter d“HALLELUJAH!!” exclaimed emergency physician Todd Walters, running up and down the ED in excitement.  “Can I do a dance?  I think I’m gonna do a dance.  VICTORY!!!!  This is a great day for doctors and nurses nationwide!”

“OH BOY, OH BOY!” said giddy nurse Elaine Stevens, rubbing her hands together in eager anticipation.  “This is HUGE!  Now when patients ask for that drug that begins with the letter D – as if they’re fooling us with their bad acting – I can tell them the only D they’re getting is a discharge!”

FDA spokesperson Layla Michaels said the initial ban just called for narcotics with the letter D, but that left the door open for drugs like Percocet.  That was fixed with the “or a vowel in it” revision.  Michaels added: “I think we got this one right.”

The FDA ban has been received with unanimous approval, as it now wipes narcotics like hydromorphone (Dilaudid), meperidine (Demerol), and fentanyl (Duragesic) off the table.  Vicodin and Percocet are banned.  Even morphine is banned since it has three vowels: O, I, and E.  One can even argue that the P in morphine is an upside-down D, much like how a frown is a smile upside-down.

Health care experts expect ER visits and “BS” hospital admissions to drop by 2,100,000% and 1,500,000%, respectively, nationwide.  Health care costs and provider burnout should drop as well since there will be less need for expensive tests to prove that drug-seekers are wasting their time.  There could have been no better time for this FDA ban.

Tomorrow, the FDA will continue its groundbreaking work as it shifts gears and focuses its energy on how to ban the use of intravenous (IV) Benadryl.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.