CHARLESTON, SC – In an eye-opening new study published in the latest issue of JAMA (Just Another Medical Association), researchers at The Medical University of South Carolina (MUSC) found that 10 out of 10 health care providers were not only found to have profound vitamin D deficiency with 25-dihydroxyvitamin D levels of zero or less, but also could not identify what is that magical bright yellow glowing orb that floats around in the sky all day.
“Though I’ve never seen it myself, I always thought that object in the sky was a penlight,” said primary care physician Todd Bassen as he began flipping through charts at 5:30 in the morning. “Or maybe an oversized ophthalmoscope. Is that what it is? Oh come on, please tell me!”
“The moon, final answer,” guessed nurse Michael Roberts, as he began his seventh straight night shift. He lets out a forty-five second full-body yawn. “I always see the moon at night, I figure it hangs around daytime hours too?”
In the blinded JAMA study, numerous hypotheses were provided to explain the mystical luminous sphere that rises in the east and sets in the west: nuclear explosion, GlideScope, endoscopy light, Pac-Man, a lit match, queen firefly, rocket booster, smiley face, neon sign, light bulb, headlight, candle, smartphone flashlight, Christmas tree ornament, menorah, or God Himself. Yet no one was able to identify this radiant, shimmering source of heat made up of plasma and magnetic fields, which is also the center of our solar system and nearly 5 billion years of age, as the sun.
“The sun? It’s called the sun?” asked nurse practitioner Rhonda Roberts in disbelief, trying to stay awake with her eighth cup of coffee. “Come on, get outta here!!!”
“Wow, the sun!” said awe-inspired and pasty-pale trauma surgeon Wynona Lansing. “It sounds so magical. Am I allowed to look at it directly? I want to look at it directly!”
For centuries, medical providers have been waking up hours before sunrise. They have embraced long and strenuous workdays in their familiar and cozy settings of whitewashed artificial lighting only to wrap up their shifts and head home way past sunset. Most, if not all, medical providers have not seen the sparkling sun since the years predating their medical training. On days off when they could potentially reconnect with the shining sun and life in general, medical providers pick the attractive alternate option: stay at home, pajamas on, curtains drawn, and catch up on sleep. As far as they know, the world and everything within it exists in total darkness.
Many consider the sun to be an object of fiction, fantasy, or folklore.
“Remember that scene in the first Star Wars where Luke stares into the distance at the two suns?” asked physician assistant Jim Baylor, still writing notes at 8:30 PM. “I thought all of it was fantasy: Darth Vader, lightsabers, X-wing fighter planes, Boba Fett, and suns. But we have a sun? It seems like such a warm, inviting, and comforting thing.” Baylor let out a huge sigh. “I would love to see it myself one day. I like to dream big.”
“I was reading about the sun on Wikipedia,” said interventional radiologist Jonathan Riley, showing off his X-ray tan. “But you know how inaccurate that website can be. The sun isn’t real, sort of like Santa Claus or leprechauns.”
Another recent study conducted at University of California San Francisco (UCSF) soon to be published in NEJM (Not Exactly Juicy Medicine) did unearth one set of medical providers who could identify that glittering, intense orb in the heavens: dermatologists. Unfortunately, 100% of dermatologists believe the sun is the source of all evil in the world.
“Wear sunglasses!!!” screamed impassioned dermatologist and anti-sun proponent Vanessa Burns. She is wearing SPF 4,000,000 sunscreen on a cloudy Sunday. “Wear layers!!! And for the love of Pete, stay indoors at all times!!! The sun is cancer! Cancer, I tell you, cancer!!! The sun is EVIL!!! Pure, unadulterated EVIL!!!”