The devil is in the details and, for patients and family members, those details can be hard to squeeze out of those shifty doctors as they Houdini in and out of your room. Often times, people are told that their loved one is “doing well, no new updates.” While no news can be good news, how do these doctors define “well?”
It turns out that it greatly depends on your physician’s specialty. This list serves as a guide for patients and their families to better determine what “well” means and get a better sense of how low their doc’s bar has sunk. Hopefully, this will improve patient-doctor communications as well as Press Ganey scores.
Anesthesiology
You didn’t die during surgery, congrats!
Cardiology
We already did the cath, what else is there to talk about?
Cardiothoracic Surgery
Just kidding, they’re not doing well at all.
Emergency Medicine
If we’re giving this kind of update that means that you’ve been down here too long and you need to either die, get admitted, or go home, like 20 minutes ago.
General Surgery
Waiting on you to eat and poop more so you can go home or so help us we’ll lap you again!
GI
Solids in and solids out are proportionate and all orifices have been sufficiently scoped.
Internal Medicine
Yo, we just made your inpatient problems, outpatient problems (drops clipboard).
Infectious Disease
Your rip-roaring infection is actually susceptible to antibiotics which we recommended in our note. We are going to go away now.
MICU
See cardiothoracic surgery above.
Neurosurgery
While pinching Grandma’s pectoralis muscle, she grabbed our hand, showing that there is more going on than just brainstem reflexes. Happy Monday!
Neurology
Aspirin levels are optimal.
Nursing
No poo was flung, call buttons weren’t pressed every 15 minutes, and their IV is flowing without kinks or air bubbles. Dilaudid dispensing was minimal.
OB/GYN
The baby is out, your rectum and vagina remain two separate entities and you’re not exsanguinating from either.
Oncology
Hey, we’re all dying of something but you know what? You’re doing normal human things and will continue to do so for a while yet and that makes us happy.
Orthopedic Surgery
Your post-op films look @#$*ing awesome, bruh.
Pediatrics
Following growth chart, immunizations up to date, car seat fits well, appetite is good, developing within range, all other checkboxes satisfactory…
Psychiatry
You’re probably not going to kill yourself or anyone else.
Respiratory Therapists
Sputum production is decreasing after blowing out a huge loogie.
Urology
Things look good… Whoops I mean things were hard but they’re looking up… No no no just stay hydrated you’re fine.
Show Comments
Nicholas Lopez
So very true
Leah Brown
Very good point.
Tina Edwards
Nailed it!
Catherine Carter
Neurosurgery. I cried giggling. Nursing was pretty on point too
Kristi MacKenzie Isrow
Oncology ICU… your loved one is cancer free! But the sepsis is keeping them On the vent, pressors, CRRT…
Danny Meiklejohn
Who needs results. More fun guessing.
Hayley Carmichael
Mercedes Ray
Jessica McCartney
In all seriousness, I’ve learned to be a little more specific with my family updates. To me, in the ICU “stable” means s/he still has a pulse, BP wasn’t dangerously high or low, s/he required no emergent procedures/scans, and no new organs are failing. I’m making no predictions about long-term prognosis. To a family, stable can mean “s/he is getting better and will pull through this just fine.” Amazing the communication gap that can exist between us and our families!
Imogen Pryer
Fave: Psych – You’re probably not going to kill yourself or anyone else.
Kara Couch
Keith Kowalczyk, Amarin Sangkharat, Scott Wagner
Rummi Babbra
Terry N Teresa Rolan
Aspirin levels! :) Ruthanna!
Becky Hollibaugh
Hmm family medicine wasn’t included, but it made me laugh anyway.
Tessa Kankelfritz
Sherry Sherry Randy Parker
David Andrew
They are breathing unasissted, so they are stable.
Barbara Lawrence
“Doing well” to a surgeon: “The incision looks great!”
Helen Mei Legg
James Rachel Patiya
Adrian Miclea
Bruh!
Marehan Nakhnoukh
Catherine Boutros Salima Hasham
Ryan Urbonas
Said as a neurosurgeon married to a hepatobiliary surgeon
Ryan Urbonas
Family: So how is s/he doing (overall)?
Surgeon: S/he is doing fine (re: to surgery)
Family: Is s/he going to make it (survive the disease)?
Surgeon: Of course, s/he is going to do just fine (survive the surgery)
Miona Milutinov
Sam Spalding psych and urology are my fav bahahaha and internal! so funny!!
Sam Spalding
Miona hahaha oncology is so accurate! And so is peds and psych lol
Michelle Jackson
Jamie Kirby Lynch oncology
Lauren Solhjoo Elder
Family medicine: they made all your inpatient problems NEW outpatient problems by changing every single medication to something not covered under insurance.
Ginny Bowbrick
Funny Rupert Spencer….I like the Nurse one the most!!
Farah Nasraty
Allison Hunter get ready for that Ortho life, bruh
Velia Cardenas
OR: yup, everything’s fine, call you back in two hours for another vague update.
Emily Carolyn Houston
Becky Brown
MICU: You are still dying, but probably not today so congratulations
Robert L. Bettiker
The infectious diseases statement will be made by me multiple times today.
Natasha Adams
Katherine Raile Sonia Mohrlang
Patrick Grizzly Campbell
“Orthopedic Surgery
Your post op films look @#$*ing awesome bruh.”
Guilty as charged… :-D
Camie Wright
The Ob/Gyn one is spot on.
Bob Sammon
My favorite:
Internal Medicine
Yo we just made your inpatient problems, outpatient problems (drops clipboard).
Lauren Kidd
Nephrology: oh you’re 96 yo w seven comorbid conditions? Lets get started with dialysis.
Rupert Spencer
Haha ortho. Ginny Bowbrick
Angie Stratton
Yo we just made your inpatient problems, outpatient problems (drops clipboard).
Scott Anderson
Radiology: looks normal, but cannot rule out clot, cancer, infection, death…
John Liu
Pathology:
Wait… what? You’re still alive? That doesn’t happen often in this department. Please correlate with clinical findings.
Heather Harris
Just when I think gomerblog can’t get any better…
Marie Mahler
Hysterical with a morsel
Of truth!
Jake McCoy
just keep peein’, man