THE NINTH CIRCLE, HELL – In a frightening development, it has been reported that Dr. Oz & Joy Behar, two of television’s most reviled cancers by health care practitioners, have reproduced and given birth to a breed of devil offspring known as the Ozbehars, charged with the mission of destroying health care practitioners, patients, medicine, civilization, and the world as we know it, and are already wreaking significant havoc upon the world.
“RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!” screamed nurse Melvin James as a ghastly Ozbehar breached through the asphalt surrounded by molten lava, and approached her with its disgusting display of sharp teeth and unmatched ignorance no longer sponsored by companies like Johnson & Johnson and Eggland’s Best. “RUNNNNN!!!!!!”
“MAKE IT STOP ADVOCATING UNPROVEN THERAPIES!!!” pleaded primary care physician Amanda Rappaport, defenseless and in the fetal position. “WHY OH WHY???!!!” She is bleeding from both ears as an Ozbehar lets out an earth-rumbling growl and spews out both fire and horrible ideas not rooted in evidence-based medicine. “IT BURNS, IT BURNS!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE, ANYBODY, MAKE IT STOP!!!”
Oz & Behar knew each of their powers alone was destructive to the efforts of hard-working health care practitioners, researchers, and scientists worldwide. So why not unite and undermine health care morale like never before? By joining forces and reproducing, their unrivaled synergy has unleashed an army of Ozbehars so dense, so insensitive, so misleading, so irresponsible, so unappreciative, and so ignorant that the whole scientific and medical community has no choice but to cower and admit defeat, despite the high-quality evidence.
“STOP SAYING ‘DOCTOR’S’ STETHOSCOPE!!!!” cried tortured respiratory therapist Ryan Callaway, distracted by an uncouth and heathen Ozbehar who reeks of melena, C. diff, and lies. In a last-ditch effort, Callaway provided the Ozbehars with knowledge, data, and education; sadly, they were cast aside by the Ozbehars’ impenetrable ego and pride and reduced to ashes. “IT’S TOO POWERFUL!!! IT IS UNFAZED BY REASON!!!”
The Ozbehars are not only terrifying providers one-by-one, but also leaving their parents Oz & Behar unnoticed and unchecked: The Dr. Oz Show and The View continue to air, thus growing the irreparable rift between patients and providers. It is rumored that The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death – have named Oz & Behar their honorary Fifth and Sixth Horsemen, impressed by their damaging and catastrophic influence.
“I used to think ignorance was bliss,” whispered surgeon Tom Richardson while hiding in a supply closet with earplugs as his hospital is engulfed by flames, misinformation, and insults. “Turns out I was wrong, very wrong. Ignorance isn’t bliss. Ignorance is dangerous, insulting, and scary when in the wrong hands.” An Ozbehar unfortunately dragged Richardson to the Ninth Circle of Hell, where he is currently being subjected to reruns of The View.