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BALDWIN, NY – The Easter Dilaudid Hunt at Baldwin Medical Center (BMC) is going all out.  This weekend, 30,000 drug seekers are expected to show up for a chance to find 1 of 5 coveted Dilaudid prescriptions for a supply of five 1-mg pills.

“Those 29,999 other drug seekers are going down!” exclaimed 360-lb. Matthew Malingerdorf, who has been suffering from 36 out of 10 chronic pain from a cut sustained while shaving last year.  “I’m going to dominate this Easter Dilaudid Hunt!  I also cannot wait to get my face painted and get a fake tattoo!  Maybe something with a pony, that’d be awesome!”

“Those prescriptions are so MINE!” claimed frequent-flier Mary McLiar, whose debilitating joint pains seemed to have disappeared upon distraction by this Easter event and now has full range of motion.  “And in case you’re wondering, I don’t have a drug problem.  Uhhhh, I just love Easter!”

BMC healthcare practitioners have hidden 5 Dilaudid prescriptions within their hospital and clinic buildings, saying that only the most determined, agile, and flexible contestants will have the best chance at finding them.  No location is considered off-limits as a hiding place.

For contestants to participate in this year’s Easter Dilaudid Hunt, they must have been nominated by a health care practitioner who “knows them too well” and agree to wear full bunny suits and hop like a bunny as they embark on their search.

According to event coordinator John Prankster, there will be a simultaneous and more traditional Easter Egg Hunt for teenagers and children.  However, the grown-up Easter Dilaudid Hunt will attract the most attention, second only to the Easter Crack and Intravenous Benadryl Hunts.  BMC anticipates a record number of spectators as well, mostly in the form of amused health care practitioners.

“The things crazy drug seekers will go through to get their fix,” said nurse Luke Algood, smuggling a laugh.  “This is gonna be great!  I’m gonna stock up on popcorn for this!”

It should be noted that these 5 Dilaudid prescriptions are fake and not redeemable for actual Dilaudid.  The contestants don’t know that.  At least not yet anyway.

“We want our drug seekers to feel welcome and have fun first,” said physician Mark Goodguy.  “Later we’ll tell them they won’t actually be getting Dilaudid and they’ll be free to leave our Easter celebration against medical advice.  We’ll even throw in an Easter egg as a parting gift.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.