DEATH STAR II – In response to the growing prevalence of food allergies among employees of the evil Galactic Empire, Vader Pharmaceuticals have announced the development of an epinephrine autoinjector called an EpiLightsaber to aid in the treatment of anaphylaxis.
“This is a huge day for the Emperor and Lord Vader,” said a spokesperson for Vader Pharmaceuticals. He added: “Die Rebel scum!”
The EpiLightsaber features a metal hilt approximately the same size of a traditional EpiPen. However, instead of utilizing a spring-loaded needle, the EpiLightsaber projects a powerful blue or red energy blade to pierce a person’s skin and deliver epinephrine intramuscularly. Like traditional lightsabers, the EpiLightsaber has a distinctive sound that changes with movement in the air and can, in a true emergency, be used in close combat or to deflect laser blaster fire.
According to physicians of Sith Healthcare, anaphylaxis is the third leading cause of ER visits and death, behind TIE fighter accidents and blown-up Death Stars. Over the past two decades, food allergies have been on the rise, with a reported 15% of Stormtroopers having one or more; the most common food allergies were to peanuts, shellfish, eggs, and blue milk. Disturbed by this trend, Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader diverted 25% of funds dedicated to militarization and destruction of the Rebel Alliance in order to better combat adverse responses to food.
GomerBlog obtained transcripts from a meeting between Darth Vader and the Emperor shortly after the destruction of the first Death Star, which gives insight into their fears:
– Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?
– Emperor: There is a great disturbance in the Force.
– Darth Vader: I have felt it.
– Emperor: We have a new enemy, the young rebel, immunoglobulin E.
The creation of the EpiLightsaber is the first victory in the Empire’s fight against food allergies.
“Not many people realize how serious this is,” says Sith allergist Holly Ryans. “The media and the public think employees died because Vader choked them using the Force. That’s not true at all. Lord Vader merely offered them almonds.”
“Allergies are commonplace,” said Lord Vader’s primary care physician, Bobby Klein. “Last week, one of the new members of the Emperor’s Royal Guard mistook Lord Vader’s breathing for anaphylaxis and called for help. It was so embarrassing.”
Two years ago, a group called MOST (Mothers of Stormtroopers) advocated for change in the Death Star cafeteria over this exact issue. As a result, the Death Star cafeteria not only has healthy-heart options but also allergen-free food options. They even have allergy-free seating.
The EpiLightsaber is a much-needed addition to the anemic treatment options available for Galactic food allergies. However, use of an EpiLightsaber takes years of patience and training. Improper use can lead to limb loss, particularly loss of the right hand. However, with mastery of the EpiLightsaber, anaphylaxis can be tamed.
“Prior to this, our options were limited,” said Sith emergency physician Alicia Jennings. “If someone lost their airway, we only had one option: fire the Death Star’s planet-destroying laser at a person’s windpipe and hope for the best.”
Employees of the Galactic Empire are both excited and relieved, with records numbers of Stormtroopers filling their prescriptions for EpiLightsabers at their local CVS or Walgreens.
In other news, rumors are slowly circulating that Ewoks on the forest moon of Endor and a strike team led by Han Solo are planning to destroy the shield generator powering Death Star II and ransack the Empire’s stash of EpiLightsabers to order to help combat Rebel anaphylaxis. GomerBlog will continue to follow this story.