lightsaber

Vader Pharmaceuticals Introduces New EpiLightsaber for Anaphylaxis

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DEATH STAR II – In response to the growing prevalence of food allergies among employees of the evil Galactic Empire, Vader Pharmaceuticals have announced the development of an epinephrine autoinjector called an EpiLightsaber to aid in the treatment of anaphylaxis.

lightsaber
“Now available in red, blue, or green”

“This is a huge day for the Emperor and Lord Vader,” said a spokesperson for Vader Pharmaceuticals.  He added: “Die Rebel scum!”

The EpiLightsaber features a metal hilt approximately the same size of a traditional EpiPen.  However, instead of utilizing a spring-loaded needle, the EpiLightsaber projects a powerful blue or red energy blade to pierce a person’s skin and deliver epinephrine intramuscularly.  Like traditional lightsabers, the EpiLightsaber has a distinctive sound that changes with movement in the air and can, in a true emergency, be used in close combat or to deflect laser blaster fire.

According to physicians of Sith Healthcare, anaphylaxis is the third leading cause of ER visits and death, behind TIE fighter accidents and blown-up Death Stars.  Over the past two decades, food allergies have been on the rise, with a reported 15% of Stormtroopers having one or more; the most common food allergies were to peanuts, shellfish, eggs, and blue milk.  Disturbed by this trend, Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader diverted 25% of funds dedicated to militarization and destruction of the Rebel Alliance in order to better combat adverse responses to food.

GomerBlog obtained transcripts from a meeting between Darth Vader and the Emperor shortly after the destruction of the first Death Star, which gives insight into their fears:

– Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?
– Emperor: There is a great disturbance in the Force.
– Darth Vader: I have felt it.
– Emperor: We have a new enemy, the young rebel, immunoglobulin E.

The creation of the EpiLightsaber is the first victory in the Empire’s fight against food allergies.

“Not many people realize how serious this is,” says Sith allergist Holly Ryans.  “The media and the public think employees died because Vader choked them using the Force.  That’s not true at all.  Lord Vader merely offered them almonds.”

“Allergies are commonplace,” said Lord Vader’s primary care physician, Bobby Klein.  “Last week, one of the new members of the Emperor’s Royal Guard mistook Lord Vader’s breathing for anaphylaxis and called for help.  It was so embarrassing.”

Two years ago, a group called MOST (Mothers of Stormtroopers) advocated for change in the Death Star cafeteria over this exact issue.  As a result, the Death Star cafeteria not only has healthy-heart options but also allergen-free food options.  They even have allergy-free seating.

The EpiLightsaber is a much-needed addition to the anemic treatment options available for Galactic food allergies.  However, use of an EpiLightsaber takes years of patience and training.  Improper use can lead to limb loss, particularly loss of the right hand.  However, with mastery of the EpiLightsaber, anaphylaxis can be tamed.

“Prior to this, our options were limited,” said Sith emergency physician Alicia Jennings.  “If someone lost their airway, we only had one option: fire the Death Star’s planet-destroying laser at a person’s windpipe and hope for the best.”

Employees of the Galactic Empire are both excited and relieved, with records numbers of Stormtroopers filling their prescriptions for EpiLightsabers at their local CVS or Walgreens.

In other news, rumors are slowly circulating that Ewoks on the forest moon of Endor and a strike team led by Han Solo are planning to destroy the shield generator powering Death Star II and ransack the Empire’s stash of EpiLightsabers to order to help combat Rebel anaphylaxis.  GomerBlog will continue to follow this story.

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Tiffany Hintz Knutson

    best internet statement today

  • Avatar
    Jen Lee

    I feel that I need this!

  • Avatar
    Eboney Staker

    Jen Lee this made me think of you

  • Avatar
    Laura White

    Chathika Weerasuriya

  • Avatar
    Debbie Naeun Lee

    Haha do I want to read this

  • Avatar
    Jonathan Sungsu Paek

    Debbie Naeun Lee

  • Avatar
    Wayne Christopher Lineberry Jr.

    Sandra Ludlam

  • Avatar
    Jenny Sandtoes

    Eric

  • Avatar
    Ashlee Marie

    Hahaha I need this!!

  • Avatar
    Velia Cardenas

    Ashlee

  • Avatar
    Chris Little-Fawn

    Oh I so need this!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    Oooo. I want one. And I find myself now wanting to work for an evil pharmaceutical company……

  • Avatar
    Lisa Wahlrab

    Carleen Marie you need one of these

  • Avatar
    Lisa Wahlrab

    Carleen Marie you need one of these

  • Avatar
    Mariangela Moore

    Omg stop! Almost makes you want to have anaphylaxis

  • Avatar
    Mariangela Moore

    Omg stop! Almost makes you want to have anaphylaxis

  • Avatar
    Anne Moore

    Mariangela Moore

  • Avatar
    Anne Moore

    Mariangela Moore

  • Avatar
    Roger Cutting

    How bout for hair removal ?

  • Avatar
    Miranda Iris

    Finally! !!!!!

  • Avatar
    Steven Kidder

    I find your lack of respirations disturbing…

  • Avatar
    Monica Tran

    Miranda Iris

  • Avatar
    Deanna Marie Pollen

    Chris Hedeen

  • Avatar
    Kenny Chow

    .

    tag: Lynn Sudhi

  • Avatar
    Sara Christen

    Chris Little-Fawn

  • Avatar
    Laura Hodapp

    That is sweet! Pass the peanut butter!

  • Avatar
    Rob O’Bert

    Nick Debnath

  • Avatar
    Paul Busman

    It’s probably cheaper than a normal EpiPen. Why are those so expensive anyway?

  • Avatar
    Lori Long

    Laura

  • Avatar
    James Smith

    Judy Hardebeck McMahan Rich McMahan

  • Avatar
    Umer Nisar

    LOL

  • Avatar
    James Smith

    Aawww sweet! I wonder if I need a prescription to get one!

  • Avatar
    Lynette Rowland

    James Smith

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