Ah, April 15; everyone’s favorite day. It is well-known that the tax literacy of healthcare practitioners is pretty laughable. Since I have no financial background, I think it’s fitting that I try to give you what I think is good financial advice, though it could very well be terrible financial advice in which you case you shouldn’t read this. Follow this advice and, rest assured, you can retire 20 years after you die. Now let me show you the money!
Self-control? Pass.
The beauty of swiping a credit card is that it’s not cash, so you can spend and not think twice about it. Why buy a bag of Cheetos at the hospital gift shop with cash when you can pay interest on it too? Don’t worry about paying off those credit card bills right away. It’s not about being financially sound; it’s all about convenience. Did you know debt and interest builds character, just like burnout? Like “no pain, no gain,” I truly believe “no debt, no wealth.”
Don’t ask for advice or read up on money matters; just wing it.
When taking a break from writing progress notes, you my want to read on financial issues or how to manage your money. Just stop it. Spend when you want to spend, save when you want to save, and that’s it. No need for budgets or planning. Don’t consult financial planners. It’s just like winging a code as an intern; it all works out in the end for everyone, right?
Never invest.
Financial advisors insist that you need to beat the inflation rate by investing. Just like DVT prophylaxis, it’s hogwash! Stick with cash because who doesn’t love cash? Or if you really want to make some gains, put it all into a savings account (a regular one, not those high-yield savings accounts). With an average interest rate of 0.06%, do you know how much money that’ll rake in after a few decades? CHA-CHING!!!! Now you can buy your own home Da Vinci robot!
Never donate to charity.
We spend our work lives helping people left and right, so why do we need to prove it by donating to charity? Be comfortable with your ego and keep your money. Sure, donations to a qualified charity or even Goodwill are tax-deductible, but why would you do that when you can buy a Playstation 4 or Xbox One instead? I know!
Don’t worry about the future, that’s so far away.
The problem with the future is that it’s not in the present. You might hear about how the savvy healthcare practitioner maxes out their retirement plans. YAWN. What if you’re too old and decrepit to enjoy your money? Live in the present! Buy fancy status symbols that rapidly depreciate like big mansions (with 9 bathrooms and 14 basements), fancy cars (especially limited edition gold Lamborghinis), and yachts (even if you live in a landlocked state like Georgia). Live large because you could be poor at any moment! Some of you might be asking, “What about the employer match?” Well, ask your employer to match your bitchin’ gold chains!!
Never rely on technology; use an abacus.
Look at what electronic health records have done to healthcare! The same goes for computer programs out there like Quicken or Mint. Be wary of computers. You’ve seen Terminator and Transformers, right? Or how about Hal from 2001 Space Odyssey? Why complicate when you can simplicate? Stick with an old-fashioned abacus and you’ll be bathing in riches.
Rob a bank or moonlight as a stripper.
I disagree with financial advisors and their emergency savings accounts for life’s unpredictable events, like unexpected medical bills. Plan an elaborate bank heist instead. Sure it is risky, but so is investing. If that doesn’t float your boat, then become a stripper. Great pay, great hours, and a great workout too! To those infectious diseases providers out there: Put that knowledge of sexually-transmitted infections (STIs) to good use!
Dr. 99 plans to spend his tax refund at a Las Vegas casino. If he doesn’t get a refund, you can still find him at a Las Vegas casino.
