BOULDER, CO – Patients, nurses, and urologists at Boulder Medical Center are starting to lose patience with intern Willie Johnson, who despite being incredibly nice and very bright, just always seems to be tripping over patients’ Foley catheters.
“YEOWWWWWWWWWW!” exclaimed patient Steven Silver as Johnson tripped over his Foley for the second time today. “That’s SO gonna leave a mark!”
“He’s actually one of the most respectful and intelligent interns I’ve ever met,” said supervising internal medicine attending Maria Reynolds, who thanks to Johnson is a master of operating Murphy drips. “But every time he makes his way around the bed, you just cringe because you know something’s bad about to happen.” (Moments later in the far off distance, a patient screams, “AY AY AYYYYY!!!!!!”) “Looks like we have another consult for urology,” Reynolds added, followed by a long, defeated sigh. “I’ve never seen so many grown men cry.”
“It’s always great to have business,” commented Jackson Phillips of Boulder Urology Group (BUG). “But this is ridiculous. This is the twentieth consult for traumatic hematuria this week alone. Any more and we might have to ban the kid from bedside!”
According to nursing staff, Johnson has “great bedside manner,” really “connects with patients,” and “warms their hearts.” Unfortunately, he always “disconnects their Foleys” with his “clumsy-ass lead feet” and leaves each room “spattered with blood.”
“When a room reminds you of a horror movie, you know Johnson’s been by,” said environmental services employee Alexander McDonough, who has ruined at least ten perfectly good mops cleaning up Johnson’s messes. “He’s a great kid, but has gotta stop with the Foley tripping and bleeding penises.”
Johnson’s worst incident occurred last month in the medical intensive care unit (MICU). He tripped over a patient’s Foley, pulled out that same patient’s rectal tube as he tried to regain his balance, and then managed to dislodge a central line and disconnect the ventilator as he fell to the ground. Though the room was initially covered in urine, blood, secretions, tears, and disbelief, everything was promptly replaced and reconnected and, thankfully, the patient recovered without complications.
“WE HAVE ANOTHER BLEEDER!” screamed charge nurse Marianne Walters from a patient’s room down the hall. “This one’s a DOOZY!!”
“I’M SO SORRY!” apologized Johnson, his white coat covered in blood stains of different sizes, some dried and some fresh. “What is WRONG with me??!!”
Rumors are circulating that Johnson might be sent home in order to save all current and future penises from further intern-induced hematuria. GomerBlog will continue to follow the story very closely with goggles on for good measure.
Show Comments
Ing Camnito
Never heard of 7′ tubing
Ing Camnito
Poor choice for ICU urinary output monitoring. This is just a standard bag. This pt. is on a vent. pulmonary critical care…a urine meter is indicated.
Leah Thomas
I’m not sure why you think this is the wrong type of bag (we don’t use leg bags in acute care for several reasons)…unless you’re referring to the extra long tube. The newer style Foleys with seemingly 7′ tubes are SATAN.
Diego Armando Merchán Puentes
History of my life
Nile Ulgen
To the ground!!
Ing Camnito
Satire aside… I couldn’t help but notice the poor choice of urinary drainage bag for this setting.
Kriti Agnihotri
They’re always in the way!
Kriti Agnihotri
They’re always in the way!
Sukhi Hegde
I almost did this today >.< Nile Kriti
Julie Perderdora
An IV nurse tripped over my patients chest tube and looked at me like I was crazy for telling her to please be more careful.
Catherine Carter
*raises hand* -_-
Kelly Mccormack Vassallo
“The room was initially covered in urine, blood, secretions, tears and disbelief.” Sounds like my day yesterday with Jenna.
Valerie Anne
That’s why I only put Texas catheters on confused or drunk patients unless there is true need for the indwelling
Tim Hilts
Ouch!
Patrick DeHoff
Knew of one who burned through his Foley with a lighter. The nurse was alerted when she heard a SNNNAP!! YEOUCH! from the room.
Jänét Dävis
Let’s get a show of hands: How many have had patients–males in particular–pull out their own foleys?
Tammy Tavdy
Polina P
Jo Anne Moore
OMG I totally did that once to a patient who was sitting in a chair!
Conni Errickson Miller
I thought this was supposed to be a satire.
Melanie Medina
Lol
Rebecca Gage
He’s here to start your central line…
Rebecca Gage
He’s here to start your central line…
Alex Nesbitt
Josh Conroy James Pearson Warren Fayers this is probably my favourite
Alex Nesbitt
Josh Conroy James Pearson Warren Fayers this is probably my favourite
David Kudlowitz
Arvind Devanabanda stop doing this.
David Kudlowitz
Arvind Devanabanda stop doing this.
Monica Matilla Kraft
Stepping on O2 tubing and hearing that familiar “peeeew”…
Monica Matilla Kraft
Stepping on O2 tubing and hearing that familiar “peeeew”…
Brad Miller
They are more likely to kick over the chest tube drainage system.
Angela Raczynski
Ha ha. I tripped over an IV before. It stayed in and I fell on my knee.
Ronda Harper
Hahaha! I giggled.