The Difference Between a Medicine Service and a Garbage Dump

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Today we explore a new set of entities that often get mistaken for one another: a garbage dump and a medicine service.  Let’s begin!!!

A garbage dump is also known as a dump, landfill, or dumping ground, and is the most common way for people to dispose of waste in most places around the world.  A medicine service is also known as a dumping ground, and is the most common way for subspecialists to dispose of patients in most places around modern healthcare.

Anyone – man, woman, adult, and child – can throw garbage into a garbage dump.  Anyone – cardiology, radiology, dermatology, and surgery – can throw patients onto a medicine service: you don’t even need to have any medical problems.

A garbage dump contains trash (garbage or waste) and rocks (naturally occurring aggregates of one or more minerals or mineraloids).  A medicine service also contains trash (drug seekers and malingerers) and rocks (naturally occurring aggregates of one or more conditions or social scenarios that is impossible to discharge).

A garbage dump is full of crap.  A medicine service is tired of crap.

Though dump trucks dump garbage into garbage dumps, subspecialists dump patients onto a medicine service.  Approaching dump trucks in reverse are best identified by their loud, annoying, high-pitched beeps (“BEEP… BEEP… BEEP!”).  Approaching subspecialists who are rather forward at times are best identified by their loud, annoying, high-pitched pleasantries (“Hey, how are you today?!  Yeah, whatever, can I put this patient on medicine?”).

Dump at a garbage dump is inspected upon arrival, in case something is found that is inappropriate for the garbage dump; it should be placed elsewhere.  A dump onto a medicine service is not inspected upon arrival, as it is always deemed appropriate for a medicine service even if it is totally inappropriate; it should not be placed elsewhere, especially on a subspecialty service, because that is what a medicine service is for.

A garbage dump can smell pretty bad, but it just doesn’t reek of fresh melena, purulent discharge, and C. diff like a good ole medicine service.  A garbage dump is covered daily with soil (by choice).  A medicine service is covered daily with stool, urine, saliva, blood, MRSA, paperwork, and complaints (not by choice).  Waste compaction at a garbage dump is good.  Bowel disimpaction on a medicine service is bad.  A garbage dump produces greenhouse gases from the decay of its waste.  A medicine service produces angst and burnout from the decay of its morale.

At some point eventually, a garbage dump reaches capacity and can’t take any more garbage.  Not a medicine service.  A medicine service is never at capacity, even when it’s at capacity, because it can never say “No.”  At a garbage dump, the dumping eventually ends.  But on a medicine service, the dumping never stops.

Now, do you know the difference between…
a medical student and a deer in headlights?
arthropods & orthopods?
medical students & residents?
RICE & rice?
white clouds & black clouds?

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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