Michael Phelps Has a Few Too Many Cupping Marks Near Genitals

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RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – Although Michael Phelps has already drawn attention to the healing technique known as cupping with multiple circular bruises spotted across his body, today the greatest Olympic swimmer of all-time was noted to have a few too many cupping marks near his genital region.

“What, it’s all to promote healing,” said Phelps, unable to conceal a wink towards reporters.  “Muscle soreness, healing, you know…”

Cupping is essentially a functional hickey that tries to bring capillaries towards the surface of the skin to promote healing.  But instead of using someone’s mouth, it uses a machine’s cups.  Many athletes swear by it, saying it accelerates the “healing” process.  Riiiighhht.  So why all the genital marks?

“Look, let me explain,” started Phelps, with at least 20 ecchymoses towards the lower abdomen, inguinal region, and upper thigh, perhaps one for each gold medal he’s ever won.  “Many think that swimming is all about arms, back, and legs.  Not many people realize the genital thrust that is required to keep at world-record pace.  Lots and lots of thrust.  And not just me either.  Male or female.  So that area of the body most definitely needs to some love… er, I mean healing.”

Phelps might be on to something.  Don’t be surprised if genital cupping takes social media by storm the rest of these Olympics, accompanied by tasteful pixilation to keep things PG rated.

Though many of the most powerful nations have the resources to pay for cupping, many of the smaller nations are finding themselves having to “improvise” in order to keep pace with countries like the United States.

“Our country can’t afford cupping machines,” said one anonymous Olympian with massive genital cupping marks, a huge smile, and a cigarette in hand.  “I guess that’s what hookers and condoms are for: healing.”

Well, sexual healing, as Marvin Gaye would put it.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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