RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has voted unanimously to replace Track & Field’s Discus event with the Placenta Throw at the Olympic Games in Rio later this summer.
“I think everyone was thinking the same thing while watching the past two Olympics in Beijing and London: not enough placentas,” explained IOC spokesperson Jason Meconium. “2016 is the year we bring back placentas, by tossing them higher and farther than ever before. The irregular shape and umbilical cord should lead to some interesting flight paths, not to mention that blood splatter always boosts television ratings.”
Placentas have not appeared in an Olympics since the 1970s. Though many are familiar with modern-day Still Rings for Men’s Gymnastics, not many people remember that men used to dangle from two sets of umbilical cords and placentas. Male gymnasts petitioned to have the event removed due to the “slippery” and “disgusting” nature of the dangling products of afterbirth.
Placenta Throw American world-record holder 25-year-old Amanda Wainwright says this is absolutely the right decision to have this event included in this year’s games.
“Look, there is a time and a place for placentas: the delivery room and now Rio 2016,” offered Wainwright, scrubbing her hands intensely to get rid of the bloodstains in her finger nails. “Myself and other elite athletes can’t wait to let these babies fly.” She added later: “That was a figure of speech; we’re tossing placentas, not babies. That would just be wrong.”
Depending on the success of the Placenta Throw, this year’s Winter Olympics could adopt similar changes, perhaps using other human organs: Ice Hockey is considering replacing pucks with kidneys and Curling may switch out stones in favor of lungs or liver. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said Meconium with a smile. “One Olympics and one organ at a time.”
Wise words indeed.