stray dart

So You’ve Been Hit by a Stray Dart, What to Do Next

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stray dart
“Let’s hope this doesn’t hit another woman’s vagina”

It happens all the time.  You’re hanging out at a bar or friend’s house playing a game of darts, when – BAM!! – a dart hits you in the neck.  The adrenaline rush and the barking of commands from your circle of friends can be a bit much to handle, and all you can wonder is what do I do next?  That’s why we’re here to help.

STEP 1: Finish the game of darts.
If you go straight to the Emergency Room, you know what’s the first question they’ll ask? “Did you finish the game of darts?”  Don’t be a lame patient and say “No,” because, trust us, the medical record will forever document how much of a loser you are.  At least if you finish the game, win or lose, you’ll garner some self-respect.

STEP 2: Assess the dart; was it a Haldol blowdart?
Now that you finished the game, go ahead and take a look.  If it’s a Haldol blowdart, it probably means you’re out of control from drinking too much and an off-service medical provider shot it at you in your best interest.  If that’s the case, just go home and go to bed. Your tossing and turning should remove the dart naturally.  If that’s the case, go to Step 4.  If it’s just a regular dart, go to Step 3.

STEP 3: Assess site of injury.
If you were hit in the eye, you probably should’ve gone to the ER by now.  Why?  Ocular trauma really shouldn’t wait; shame on you!  Same thing applies if you sustained a direct hit to the genitals.  But if you were hit anywhere else, are you in pain?  If yes, take a shot of whiskey.

STEP 4: How big is the puddle of blood?
If the puddle of blood is two feet in diameter and causing you or bystanders to panic, be considerate and wipe up the mess with some paper towels.  Not only will the effort be appreciated, the exertion combined with blood loss should lead to syncope and facilitate the call to paramedics.

STEP 5: Yank and suck.
If the dart is still in and help hasn’t arrived, you have no choice but to yank that sucker out.  Once you do, be sure to fling the dart haphazardly into the air so it becomes someone else’s problem.  Proceed to directly suck the puncture site.  Your recent intake of alcohol should help sterilize the wound.  If you cannot suck on the site directly?  Ask a friend or stranger to do it.

STEP 6: You’re cured!
Go play a new round of darts.

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