glycolysis laid

Glycolysis & Other Medical Terms That’ll Get You Laid Tonight

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Health care professionals are notoriously sleep-deprived, irritable, and unsexy creatures who roam the hospital floors.  It is no wonder that these people, who have not had any meaningful human interaction outside of patient care since high school or college, are desperate for some action.  So if you’re looking to score this Valentine’s Day or any other day, look no further as we break down the medical phrases most likely to get you laid.

glycolysis laid
You may want to close the door before you zoom in on this picture

Glycolysis – SPOILER ALERT: this is the first of several biological processes on this list that will turn anyone on.  Who needs dirty talk when you have a metabolic pathway that makes pyruvate out of glucose?  Each one of the ten enzyme-catalyzed reactions is enough to get one’s hair erect… let alone other things.  Glycolysis… Whew, we’re getting excited just talking about it!

Action potentials – Though an action potential might be a short-lasting event, hopefully your one night stand isn’t the same.  Physiologists must have the best poker faces in medicine, because who can talk about the rapid rises and falls of a membrane potential without getting steamy?  One can imagine The Todd from Scrubs saying “Who wants to check out the action potential… in my bed!  Show Todd some love!”

Acid-base disorder – When Grace & Chase Tackle Acid-Base hit bookstores, it produced more controversy than 50 Shades of Grey.  It brought acid-base romance to the mainstream.  There is no topic in medicine more erotic than that of pH and ketoacidosis.  Use protection everyone.

Alcoholic fermentation – If you think drinking alcohol can relieve one’s inhibitions, imagine seducing someone with the naughty nuances of yeasts and the anaerobic process?!  Just these two words alone and we guarantee you’ll be waking up in someone else’s bed.

Acetyl coenzyme A – Enough said.

Saturated fatty acids – Admit it: just hearing the word “saturated” makes your nipples hard.  Saturated is one of the dirtiest words in all of medicine.  Say it once and prepare to get lucky.

Michaelis-Menten – Who needs S&M when you have M-M?

Watery diarrhea – If you think the smell of loose stool is sexually arousing, imagine talking to a complete stranger about it.  They can’t help but wonder what kind of person you are behind the closed doors of a bedroom.  Imodium and mystery: who can say no to that?

Diabetic foot ulcers – Utter these three simple words and you’ll be taken on the most scandalous sexual fantasy ride of your life.  If you really wanna get kinky, order some arterial Dopplers and look at vascular flow, if you get our drift.  TRUST US.  You’re welcome.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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