BOSTON, MA – After undergoing biopsy last week at the insistence of several concerned fourth-year medical students who matched at its program, Pathology has just finalized its report, declaring that the Internal Medicine Residency Program at Pimp & Scut the F**k Out of Interns University (PSFOIU) is in fact malignant.
On the interview trial, well preceding The Match, fourth-year medical students Tara Billingsley and Robert Cohen were concerned with rumors of PSFOIU’s reputation for being malignant. The concerns amplified when they matched and secured the next three years of their lives at PSFOIU.
“We got nervous, real nervous, you don’t want to head to a cancerous program if you can help it,” Cohen told Gomerblog. Cohen recounted tales of PSFOIU residents’ excessive work hours often exceeding 200 per week; the intense scut work such as coffee runs and doing the attendings’ laundry; the borderline hazing and tasing; the use of handcuffs; a recently instituted “No Days Off” rule; and, most concerning of all, enlarged mediastinal, axillary, and inguinal lymph nodes. “But the only way to confirm the diagnosis is to work it up and get some tissue.”
PSFOIU was initially reluctant to agree to a biopsy, but did acquiesce to blood work. Billingsley & Cohen were shocked to find that PSFOIU had markedly elevated levels of numerous tumor markers: alpha-fetoprotein (AFP), beta-2-microglobulin (B2M), beta-human chorionic gonadotropin (beta-hCG), CA19-9, CA-125, CEA, and PSA, to name a few.
“When we saw these test results, we realized that PSFOIU might in fact be the most malignant residency program of all time,” added Cohen. “All we kept thinking was, ‘Why the hell did we rank these guys?!'”
A few days ago, Billingsley & Cohen finally coerced PSFOIU to a tissue biopsy. Today, their suspicions were confirmed.
Billingsley & Cohen plan to consult Medical Oncology and Radiation Oncology to see if this malignancy can be resected or treated with chemoradiation. They also plan to consult Palliative Care to see if their residency program should be sent to hospice, comfort measures only.
“We’re going to do everything in our power to ensure that this cancer is treated,” Billingsley told Gomerblog. “Not only for its own health, but ours. Otherwise it’s gonna be a long miserable three years. Just ask Roger the Resident.”