Achilles heel

Greek Hero Achilles: ‘Help! Can I Get a Podiatrist, STAT?!’

  • 128
    Shares
Achilles heel
“Call Podiatry! STAT!!!”

ANCIENT TROY – Gomerblog has just learned that Achilles, the Greek hero who cemented his status by slaying Hector during the Trojan War, has just been shot in the heel by Paris’ poisoned arrow, and is desperately seeking the help of a good, reputable podiatrist.

“Oh goodness me, would you look at this?” Achilles said with disgust, assessing his potentially-fatal wound.  “Yuck, it’s bleeding… Ugh, look at all that pus?!  Oh man, I can pry all the way to the bone, there’s gotta be some osteo too… Oh man, this is bad, really bad… Man, why the heel, Paris?  Come on!  What an a**hole!”

Achilles is not immortal.  His mother, Thetis, tried to make him immortal by dipping him in the river Styx when he was born.  Unfortunately, his mother held him by the heel, the one part of his body that didn’t make it into the river.  The one part of his body that is vulnerable.  The one part of his body that Paris just wounded.

“I don’t have have a primary care doctor and I certainly don’t have podiatrist,” a worried Achilles told Gomerblog.  “You wouldn’t happen to know a good foot guy?  Does Hippocrates know a guy?  I don’t have diabetes, if that helps… What about a wound care nurse?  Man, I hope we don’t have to chop it off.  Just look it!  Ugh… Man, if I need a BKA or AKA, I don’t know…”  Achilles just called 9-1-1 and is waiting for an ambulance to take him to Mount Olympus Medical Center (MOMC).

“Or maybe we can try conservative management with IV antibiotics through a PICC?” begged the near-terminal Greek hero.  Gomerblog informed Achilles that antibiotics had not yet been discovered.  “Damn it,” Achilles replied, defeated.  “Looks like I’m screwed.”  He takes a long, heroic deep breath.  “If anyone asks, I’m a DNR.”

image_pdfimage_print
  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

pregnancy

Obstetrics Department Announces Opening of New Geriatric Maternity Ward for Mothers Over 35

4KSharesBOCA RATON, FL—The proliferation of new fertility treatments, including in-vitro fertilization, and the decision ...

Hospital Administrators Bring Hope & Quality to Remote African Village

1.1KSharesBAALAH, KENYA – A medical mission trip made up entirely of hospital administrators has just ...

The Definitive Bone Rankings

814SharesGlobogym Headquarters, CA– It’s interview season for 4th year Medical Students applying for residencies ...

femur fracture

Soccer Mom Heals Femur Fracture with Herbs, Essential Oils

81.7KSharesORANGE, CA – Mrs. Stephanie Holmestown experienced what all parents fear while watching their kids ...