ANCIENT TROY – Gomerblog has just learned that Achilles, the Greek hero who cemented his status by slaying Hector during the Trojan War, has just been shot in the heel by Paris’ poisoned arrow, and is desperately seeking the help of a good, reputable podiatrist.
“Oh goodness me, would you look at this?” Achilles said with disgust, assessing his potentially-fatal wound. “Yuck, it’s bleeding… Ugh, look at all that pus?! Oh man, I can pry all the way to the bone, there’s gotta be some osteo too… Oh man, this is bad, really bad… Man, why the heel, Paris? Come on! What an a**hole!”
Achilles is not immortal. His mother, Thetis, tried to make him immortal by dipping him in the river Styx when he was born. Unfortunately, his mother held him by the heel, the one part of his body that didn’t make it into the river. The one part of his body that is vulnerable. The one part of his body that Paris just wounded.
“I don’t have have a primary care doctor and I certainly don’t have podiatrist,” a worried Achilles told Gomerblog. “You wouldn’t happen to know a good foot guy? Does Hippocrates know a guy? I don’t have diabetes, if that helps… What about a wound care nurse? Man, I hope we don’t have to chop it off. Just look it! Ugh… Man, if I need a BKA or AKA, I don’t know…” Achilles just called 9-1-1 and is waiting for an ambulance to take him to Mount Olympus Medical Center (MOMC).
“Or maybe we can try conservative management with IV antibiotics through a PICC?” begged the near-terminal Greek hero. Gomerblog informed Achilles that antibiotics had not yet been discovered. “Damn it,” Achilles replied, defeated. “Looks like I’m screwed.” He takes a long, heroic deep breath. “If anyone asks, I’m a DNR.”