Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino

Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino is a Colorful & Fun Way to Get Diabetes

  • 14.5K

SEATTLE, WA – Starbucks’ new limited-edition Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino, available only from April 19 to April 23, is a fun, colorful, and magical way to give a brand new demographic of coffee drinkers – children and teenagers – something they have always wanted: diabetes.

Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino
I love how the colors distract me from the numbness and tingling in my feet

“As you sip, it changes not just color and flavor, but also blood sugars and insulin resistance,” said Starbucks President and CEO Kevin Johnson.  “If you ask me, that’s just as magical as a unicorn.”  Johnson wants to help carry the food industry’s torch of disguising obviously unhealthy options behind novelty and bright colors.  “Over these 4 days, we hope to put 90% of Americans into DKA.  U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!”

The Unicorn Frappuccino contains over 400 calories and 59 grams of sugar, which is more than adequate to tip a diagnosis of pre-diabetes into full-fledged diabetic coma.  If you want your child, who probably already is a handful after one or two cookies, to have the mother of all sugar crashes, then go ahead and give the new Starbucks product a whirl, see how that works out for you.

Unicorn Frappuccinos do not come with insulin.

Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino
Nutritional information for a Unicorn Frappuccino (Courtesy of Starbucks)

Health care professionals are recommending against the Unicorn Frappuccino unless, as one endocrinologist put it, “you really want to experience the joy of diabetes complications or see what it’s like to be on an insulin drip.  Just ask the Cookie Monster.”  Starbucks baristas are also imploring customers not to order the ghastly sugar bomb.  Not only are they difficult to make, but they are a “sin against everything that is holy about coffee.”  No Starbucks baristas have yet to take their own lives over the making of these monstrosities.

In other news, many “farm-to-table” and “organic” food proponents are saddened that the drink is not made with real unicorns.  PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) took issue with this comment until they realized unicorns are not real.  They have, however, preemptively formed PETMC or People for the Ethical Treatment of Mythological Creatures.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

An Orthopaedic Surgeon Explains Renal Tubular Acidosis

21.6KSharesGLOBOGYM HEADQUARTERS, MA – Apparently someone at GomerBlog Twitter headquarters thought it would be ...

pediatrician in woods

Unvaccinated Babies Look Out: VaxBlow Releases Baby Vaccine Blowdart

1.8KSharesPediatricians rejoice as Big Pharma Pharmaceutics of the previously rejected “HalBlow,” introduce VaxBlow, an ...

garden gnome

Study: 90% Of Rectal Foreign Bodies Are Idiopathic

2.2KSharesBIRMINGHAM, AL – A recent retrospective review of Birmingham, Alabama confirms that 90% of ...


STDs Running Rampant in Sochi Olympic Village

61SharesSOCHI, RUSSIA – Apparently what happens in Sochi doesn’t always stay there.  Olympic athletes ...

Pediatrician About to Call Surgery to Lay Hands on Another Punky-Looking Kiddo

684Shares2AM, KNOXVILLE, TN – According to seventh floor pediatrics ward sources, local pediatrician and ...