KEARNEY, NE – Whether due to a prank, sloppy oversight, or disgruntled kitchen workers’ act of spite, but loads of sugar cubes appeared on diabetic trays at Kearney Local Medical Center (KLMC) this morning. Initial frantic efforts by doctors and dietitians to fix the problem were quickly curtailed by hospital administrators who were delighted to see a two fold jump in patient satisfaction scores after breakfast.
Shirley Survey, MBA, M$, JD, KLMC’s elated Chief Satisfaction Officer reported to GomerBlog: ”Yes, there is such a thing as a 9 AM patient satisfaction scores and that number skyrocketed! I sent my whole department, all sixty of them to the kitchen to get some sugar onto lunch trays. A bunch of doctors protested and our endocrine-something-or-other… the hormone guy may have quit… But they don’t know a thing about Stress-Painme scores, which is basically why the hospital is here to begin with.”
Once the news spread, KLMC saw a jump in census, drawing patients away from competing hospitals across town. Kit Osis, a local diabetic on insulin drip for a week praised the dietary move: ”As an avid consumer of the healthcare system, I demand a reasonable diet in the hospital. Now that KLMC finally got their act together, my choice is this outstanding facility! Bring on the 3 PM satisfaction survey!!!”
Other special patient populations echoed the diabetics’ praise with their own suggestions on improving the patient experience. Chris Stahl, a local meth-head, told GomerBlog that the pharmacy could take a lesson from the cafeteria and “add some white stuff to their formulary as well.”
As the National Guard was conducting an emergency insulin airdrop into the KLMC area, Survey was seen attaching bundles of sugar cubes to each patient satisfaction survey.