ER Doc Closes Papercut with 14 Stitches to Protect Gang Member’s Street Cred

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Los Angeles, CA- Jose “Mierda Verde” Sinhuevos is one of the most feared member of the West Hollywood Nacho Libre Street gang.

“Doc said it was the worst paper cut he’s ever seen!”

Last week while reading his the latest issue of the Chulo Weekly newsletter, Sinhuevos sustained a papercut to his right index finger.

He knew it was serious when he saw a drop of blood and went straight to the local ER where he saw Dr. Baron Asset.

“When treating gang members you really have to take their non-medical needs into consideration, mostly their street-cred” Dr. Asset explained. “If their homeboys find out that they only needed 1 suture or a bandaid for a wound, they might as well get caught twerking to MMMBop.”

When Asset realized that Mierda Verde’s “wound” could adequately be treated with a bandaid or even a warm hug, his compassionate provider training came through. “I put in 4 deep deep dermal stitches of 8-0 Vicryl, 4 deep dermal 7-0 Monocryll, 3 subcuticular 6-0 Monocryll, and 3 interrupted 5-0 Nylon sutures in the skin.”

“Did I need 14 sutures? Of course not. A Hello Kitty bandaid would have been fine, but Sinhuevos has a rep to uphold. 14 stitches will maintain his street cred as long as he doesn’t show anyone his wound.”

Mierda Verde was appreciative of Dr. Asset’s efforts, “I’ll make sure we don’t tag his neighborhood or pop caps in the asses of him or his loved ones. He’s familia now. Mucho amor y respeto!”


  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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