SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Figuring that there was no better time to celebrate than during this particular overnight call, University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) surgical intern Jose Rioja has decided to open up a vintage packet of Nabisco graham crackers from 1981.
“Ask any graham cracker expert and the consensus is universal: the best vintage came from Nabisco in East Hanover, NJ in 1981,” explained snackelier Ria Nahe, a world-renowned expert on supermarket snacks. “At that time and place, the Nabisco factory had the right amount of sunshine, clouds, and rain. It remains the most perfect graham cracker ever created by man.”
Health care professionals have always known that vintage graham crackers are sublime, particularly when sh*t hits the fan and the cafeteria is closed, which is why it is common for them to be left in hospital drawers or white pockets to age for months and years on end. It is not uncommon for these health care professionals to forget about the graham crackers entirely and then stumble upon them in a fit of hunger years, decades later.
As with fine wines, graham crackers became more complex and delicious with age. Many would equate the 1981 vintage of Nabisco’s graham crackers to the 1983 vintage of Chateau d’Yquem’s Sauternes. Graham Cracker Spectator magazine has awarded only one perfect score of a 100 and it was to these very graham crackers.
“Under normal overnight-call circumstances any non-vintage graham crackers would do,” reasoned Rioja who found the 1981 vintage hours ago. Sadly he couldn’t find a graham cracker decanter so is just eating it straight out of the aged plastic sleeve. “But not tonight. Something is in the air tonight. Maybe it’s a full moon. Pardon me while I sit back and really savor this magnificent of treats.”
The 1981 vintage can be best described as “luscious,” “crackery,” “crunchy,” “sweet,” “moldy,” “musky,” and “chalky” with honey and wheat overtones. Rioja, Nahe, and others recommend not subjecting these superior vintages to chocolate and marshmallows – in other words, bastardizing them through the creation of s’mores – but by enjoying them in their unadulterated form.
Rioja hopes to resist temptation and save the 1994 vintage packet of Heinz ketchup for the next full moon.